Arts & Culture

Arts & Culture

Adventures in Boneland: The Sex, Drugs, and Punk Rock and Roll Collection


Over the years I’ve left the bulk of the political commentary to Zano, which I realize now was a yuuge mistake. It’s too hard to keep up. By the time I send Zano an article, it’s dated before he gets it. After being accused of trying to hit on a 14-year-old boy, Kevin Spacy came out of the closet and admitted he was a Republican. See why this is impossible? This joke was already shit on by Al Franken, Trent Franks, and half of Hollywood. So, amidst this wave of allegations and resignations, I’ve decided to stick with and defend what I know: Sex, Drugs, and Punk Rock & Roll. 

Solo’s Forcible First Kiss On Leia Led Sith Lord To Commit Patricide #R2MeToo?

A long time ago during an allegation far, far away—Darth Caedus is citing the forcible kiss planted on his mother’s lips during Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back as the impetus behind his father’s eventual slaying. The Sith Lord told the Discord, “The so called ‘light’ side of the force is fraught with actual force against princesses. Han Solo was kissing her without permission and C3PO was always grabbing my mom’s ass. Heck, I don’t even want tell you what that Wookie did during episode VI. Pig! Speaking of pigs, those pig gaurds from Return of the Jedi were pretty damn frisky as well. My mother once said being chained to Jabba the Hutt was preferable to the intergalactic grope-fest that occurred each day on the set.”

A Review Of Ken Wilber’s ‘Trump And A Post-Truth World’: Or, How I Stopped Evolving And Learned To Love The Trump

Ken Wilber is often hailed as the smartest guy you never heard of. For an ‘integral’ part of his theory, Wilber built on Jean Gebser’s work on societal and evolutionary development, which suggest societies move through levels of consciousness as they grow, ie: tribal, fundamental, entrepreneurial, liberal, infinity and beyond. Buzz Enlightenedyear? Throughout his tenor, Wilber has generally ignored republican antics in favor of lib coaching (Summary Alert: with deeper levels of consciousness, comes greater responsibility). In Trump And A Post-Truth World, Wilber labels the main pitfall of liberals as ‘aperspectival madness’, or how pluralism (moral-relativism) has paved the way for this truthless post-modern landscape. Progressives tend to insist that all perspectives are equal and, in such a world, truth itself dissolves into an egalitarian nightmare. He also points to the onslaught of fake news as contributing to the problem and how search engines are weaponizing shitty viewpoints by trading meaning for popularity. He rails against click-bait, which *cough* reminds me, before reading further please like and share my Man Trapped On Whataburger Roof Calls 911 For Rising Cholesterol Levels.

Top Seven Reasons A Zombie Apocalypse Would Be Preferable To A Trump Presidency


For most, a Zombie Apocalypse represents the apex of human fear and dread. But now, under the shadow of a Trump Presidency, many people are looking forward to one. Some groups are going so far as to actively try to trigger such an event. Dr. William Lynn told the Discord today, “We’re pulling out all the stops trying to create a Patient Zero, which will get this whole thing rocking and rolling. We have kind of an all-hands-on-deck mentality going. We would like to have the Zombie outbreak at least started before the next Trump speech or press conference. We are calling our initiative a Z-Nation upgrade.”

The Heimlich Manuever Spews And Don’ts


Collapsing Motel, Arizona—Either I care about your health and safety, dear reader, or I hope this will get someone to hire me for my mad CPR training skills. Hopefully before I get thrown out of the decency-impaired motel I’m staying in. I’ve been teaching people CPR all over this beautiful state for almost 18 years now and I’ve learned a few things, most of which revolve around how little I would trust the average person to preform CPR on me. The Heimlich Maneuver, that’s another story. If CPR is the horror show, then the Heimlich is the keg party with the wet t-shirt contest. Don’t worry, I’ve never said that in my trainings, except for the drink-friendly versions.

From Crappiness to Happiness in Three Easy Steps

Bone 4Collapsing Shack, AZ—Most of us have our mental health ups and downs, or as I prefer to call them: 1. drinking or 2. working. Some people certainly have a leg up on the happiness scale. What advantages do they have that I’m missing, besides talent and a life? Between dumpster diving and jamming out to old punk tunes in the dirt, I have discovered what these other Americans have going for them and where I may be lacking. After almost thirty minutes of effort, I have outlined a method to improve one’s happiness. I don’t think it will help me, I am too far gone, but perhaps you, gentle reader, will gain something from all of my hard work …or at least come to appreciate how you’re not as bad off as the old Bone Man.

The Confederate Flag: Public Opinion Is Often A Petty Thing

petty flag (4)A few years ago, I published an exhaustive multi-part article on Lynyrd Skynyrd and their iconoclastic singer and lyricist, the late Ronnie Van Zant.  The main thrust of the piece was that “Sweet Home Alabama” was not a racist song at all (the key is in the last verse, plus a line Ronnie throws away at the end), but an attempt by Southern hippies to reject the years of bigotry and hatred and murder weighing down their culture, while still maintaining a Southern sense of identity.  This gave rise to the 1970s liberated redneck (see also: the Allman Brothers, Jimmy Carter). One section concerned an issue that has recently reemerged in the public consciousness: the Confederate Flag, which Lynyrd Skynyrd and other bands of the time used as a stage backdrop.

Blizzard Update: Man In E3 Waiting Until Chick in E4 Finishes Watching All 49 Episodes of American Horror Story Before “Making Move”

4-2a1Bloomfield, NJ—Amidst the recent east coast blizzard, 26-year-old tenant of Crestridge Apartments E3, Kyle Gustafson, has a plan to “finally hit on that girl in E4.” The plan, which many are calling ‘stupid’, involves his waiting until she watches all 49 episodes of American Horror Story on Netflix. There are so many problems with Mr. Gustafson’s plan, not the least of which is: Netflix is offering 51 episodes, not 49.

Standing On A Corner In…Go F Yourself

d8def57a-880a-480a-aef5-6ee65a522193Everyone was waiting for that third shoe to drop and there it went. First Lemmy, then Bowie, then … GLENN FREY? In the immortal (scripted) words of John Travolta, “What a gyp!” How did I hate the music of Glenn Frey? Gosh, let me count the ways: “Peaceful Easy Feeling,” “Take It Easy,” “Tequila Sunrise,” “Already Gone,” “Heartache Tonight,” and the truly despicable “Lyin’ Eyes,” all stomach churning monuments of utter suckitude.

And let’s not forget Glenny’s auspicious solo career outside The Eagles. Just have a look at these winners: “The One You Love,” “Smuggler’s Blues,” “Sexy Girl,” “Partytown,” and the two-headed saxophone monstrosities “The Heat Is On” and “You Belong to the City.” HRRPP! There goes breakfast, lunch AND dinner, all over my Miami Vice jacket.

The Captain & Tennille Split Up: Millions Rejoice

Prescott, AZ—1970s pop stars The Captain & Tennille have called it quits. On January 23, 2014, keyboardist Daryl Dragon was served divorce papers by wife Toni Tennille at the couple’s Prescott home, effectively ending their 39 year marriage. The Discord is only posting this now because our site admin is still reeling from the news.