For most, a Zombie Apocalypse represents the apex of human fear and dread. But now, under the shadow of a Trump Presidency, many people are looking forward to one. Some groups are going so far as to actively try to trigger such an event. Dr. William Lynn told the Discord today, “We’re pulling out all the stops trying to create a Patient Zero, which will get this whole thing rocking and rolling. We have kind of an all-hands-on-deck mentality going. We would like to have the Zombie outbreak at least started before the next Trump speech or press conference. We are calling our initiative a Z-Nation upgrade.”
After discussing the matter with America’s leading experts on the life-impaired, aka, the drunkards on Mother Road Brewery’s patio, we re-watched the first seven seasons of The Walking Dead. We have since compiled this list of the seven reasons a Zombie Apocalypse would truly Make America Great Again. We already have the hats, so we can save further on merchandizing costs for this program.
- People of opposing viewpoints and ideologies are encouraged to come together in order to survive.
Yeah, outside of an apocalypse, I’m not seeing a lot of bipartisan fellowship out there. Mick Zano is so stressed since November’s election he’s switched from beer to chewing on fentanyl patches. Once this thing kicks into gear, you won’t be worried about which economic model is viable, who should pay for healthcare, or even alternate street parking.
- I personally will feel a lot safer.
With Trump poking at madmen with nukes, working up the Nazis, and pardoning criminal cops, I think I’ll take my chances with the zombies. At least when they gang up on you they behave in a predictable manner, and no one says, “Well, sorry everyone was eaten today over at the Wal-Mart, but there were bad people on many sides. For instance, one of those zombies ate someone in the process of stealing a Snickers bar. Many sides.”
- Imminent role reversal.
Sure the rich might start out ahead in the aftermath—with a nice ride, more gear, and their gated communities—but one road block and then it flips. The hard working, soon to be deported fella, can run a few miles and fight zombies on into the night. Hell, he’s been working in the California sun picking fruit. Bashing zombies in the head will be easy by comparison! Meanwhile, the elites will be begging for help, but all their cash will just be second rate toilet paper, if we still have toilets.
- The cringe-worthy avalanche of OCD rules and laws would cease.
This is one where the libbies share just as much blame as the wannabe fascists of the right. Liberals make hundreds of new rules, expectations, and laws: God is dead, so let a utopian plethora of laws and statutes replace him. Then if you can’t do the bingo-twister dance through their imaginary lawful bullshit, the now militarized police kick in your door and ship you off to Guantanamo. So yeah, bye-bye, past record, past debt, past agreements. There’s only one rule now, stay alive.
- We’d only build walls to keep out the undead
No more pork barreling, empty campaign promises and other trivial pursuits. The GOP platform will become about as useful as the clothes zombies have stunk up all year. Oh, wait, I’m being told that’s already the case. Idiots and liars are not rewarded by anything other than being eaten, one bite at a time. Common sense and hard work will be more valuable than streams of useless words and promises. This is supposed to be at the heart of Republican values, so go out there and pick yourself up by your bootstraps. Well, pick your foot first, because it looks like it’s been gnawed off along with your boot.
Our crisis will be clear and we will want to work together to solve problems, not divide survivors. We have clear focusing crises now, but instead of focusing on them, our attentions are directed toward division and hating people ‘over there.’ I wonder what crisis could really join humans together. With people like Trump in power we may get to find out.
- Instead of fat, out of shape, men appealing to the working class, they’ll be sacrificing themselves for the working class.
Think of the savings to healthcare! Not that there will be any. Much like the movie Zombieland, cardio is the way to go. We won’t have to worry about a bunch of suits trying to brainwash the masses, because the masses of zombies will have already eaten their asses, while the working-class folks are sprinting off into the sunset.
- Since everyone will be a gun nut, there’ll be one less thing to divide us.
Also along those lines, abortion clinics will be nonfunctional, there’s another current division among Americans…gone. Contraceptives also very soon gone. Porn, soon a thing of the past. But bad news, rightwing folks. Due to a lack of upper body strength, which is what you need when attacked by a zombie, women will tend to die off more easily than men. So fellas, if you don’t want to be abstinent for the rest of your life, you might have to consider joining the rainbow coalition. You can call it conversion-conversion therapy. Don’t worry I’m sure some nice men will teach you how to wax your chest.
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