The military is insisting President Trump learn where a country is on the map before implementing the squirting tie.
Washington—The intelligence community has continued to work diligently to determine the origin of the “voices” plaguing the president’s age-addled brain. FBI Director James Comey met with the head of the American Psychological Association yesterday and then promptly contacted a FISA judge for a warrant. Mr. Comey told the Discord today, “We need to determine if these messages are the result of a psychotic disorder, or if a foreign government has successfully hacked into the president’s brain. Therefore, I have obtained a FISA warrant to listen to the president’s thoughts. Not me personally, of course, but an appointee. I mean, F-that shit.” Mr. Trump was then informed he would need to remove the aluminum foil from his head—a tactic used to block out these voices—and then don some particularly goofy lab apparatus.
Sesame Street—A clear picture of President Donald Trump’s hatred for PBS, Sesame Street and for the Muppets in general is emerging. Prior to the 2005 appearance of the character Donald Grump on Sesame Street, evidence suggests President Trump was affiliated with PBS and may even be a Henson creation himself. Press Secretary Sean Spicer has requested that SNL parody this bit, so that he can gain some insight into how he might address such an absurd allegation.
Chicago, IL—In response to a viral video showing a passenger being dragged off of a plane, CEO of United Airlines, Oscar Munoz, staged an identical scenario. Airport security bodily dragged Mr. Munoz down the aisle of an Airbus A420 before ejecting him face first onto the tarmac. Whether or not the Board of Directors ordered this stunt or it was the CEO’s own brain child remains unknown at this hour. United Airlines is hoping this will make things even, or at least even out their company’s stocks. As compensation for the incident, the passenger who was originally mistreated has been offered an extra packet of peanuts and an additional packet of peanuts. He has since been rushed back to the hospital for what looks to be a peanut allergy.
San Diego, CA—After the incident this weekend that claimed the life of eight year old Bobby Turner, the petting zoo management of WolverDreams Inc. announced it will be closing its doors forever. Little Bobby’s visit, which was originally arranged in conjunction with the Make A Wish Foundation, ended the life of a young man a few weeks prematurely. Bobby was given only a few weeks to live due to inoperable nose cancer. Bobby’s parents told the press his bucket list still included: giving Sally Phillips a wedgie, attending a cock fight, and punching a senior citizen in the face.
There is certainly liberal amounts of blood in our political waters, but I’m afraid it’s not actually type-D. This Susan Rice “scandal” has Benghazi written all over it. Hey, at least they’re reading. No matter where this next batch of rightwing dimquires lead, our republican friends will likely be covering this Rice dish right up until the impeachment proceedings. Focus on the Susan Rice “scandal” and you’ll miss the main course, peeps. Stuffed pig? Why are you still harping on Obama and Hillary? Can’t you people just take five minutes to focus on your inability to lead? If you recall, Obama let Bush and Cheney off the hook and they should have hung, well, if you believe international law. At this point I don’t even have a horse in this race. Sorry, folks, the last nationalistic bone in my body is riddled with Foxsteoporises. Speaking of which, does Rice have any calcium?
Chesapeake Bay—A Russian freighter, the Любовь Путин, was seized by Coast Guard personnel earlier today in the Chesapeake Bay. The ship, which hailed from Moscow, was reportedly full of artificial credibility ranging from supportive fake news, to Trump achievement ribbons, to trophies that say ‘Everybody Gets a Trumpy!’ Many are concerned this only increases the perception and likelihood of pre-election collusion between President Trump and the Kremlin.