Washington, DC—Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is currently recovering from three broken ribs at George Washington University Hospital, but exactly how she sustained those injuries remains in question. Initially Justice Ginsburg stated she, “Fell down on the job”, literally, but rumors began circulating how she was only attempting to make a faulty workman’s comp claim. Later, while on copious amounts of pain medications, she told reporters her injuries were the aftermath of an extreme bar fight at the Velvet Lounge. Patrons claim Ginsburg entered the Columbia Heights dive bar in a foul mood, reeking of gin and regret. She was complaining about a new coworker, who she described as a douchy chauvinistic pig to anyone who would listen. After exchanging some harsh words with a leather-clad biker, Ginsburg raised a beer bottle and smashed it over the biker’s head. This started a bit of a fracas that ended with several injuries, significant property damage—that no one will probably notice—and a screenplay.
Kellyanne Conway told journalists, “Yesterday, when I said how Ruth Bader Ginsburg was a tough old dame, that wasn’t fake news. See the difference? CNN probably didn’t say that, because that’s what they do; they lie and they get shit wrong. But not for long, because we’re shutting those bitches down. Doesn’t the sound of one, and only one, reliable news network have a nice ring to it? I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with lox, which is a fish, which is the symbol of Christ. Let us pray for true freedom from the press.”
Justice Ginsburg is denying claims she shouted, “The constitution? Whether I shove my morning constitution in your face, Depends!!”
Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh added, “The Velvet Lounge, Fuck yeah! Great drink specials, baby!”