Distribution Of Alternative Facts To Key Districts Ramps Up Ahead Of Midterms

Lancaster, PA—Many are questioning the president’s use of the military to distribute alternative facts to several key districts in swing states ahead of the November midterm elections. The White House’s effort is a clear attempt to downplay the countless Trumpian missteps in favor of stressing the short-term and shortsighted economic benefits of gutting all of our environmental regulations in the face of extinction.

Vice President Mike Pence told journalists today, “The use of alternative facts has a historic and time-honored role in politics. And today, the use of these ‘factual variations’ are more important than ever. Unless we can keep full control of every corner of Washington, this administration is going to face a shitstorm of biblical proportions. And, you know what they say about shitstorms, right? …well, they don’t roll downhill, per se, but they kind of blow and splatter all over the place, not unlike when shit hits the fan. We can avoid this unpleasant eventuality by continuing to employ APA approved reality-modification techniques.”

Chuck Schumer (D-NY) said, “This is a clear abuse of campaign finance law. If they get to use our troops to dole out their bullshit than we get to use ANTIFA to protect our polling stations.” #BlackPanthersMatter


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