Most of us get up in the morning for work and drive over the structurally unsound bridge and then pass the accident at that same place …you know, the dangerous intersection the city keeps ignoring. But it’s all good. The cop writes the tickets while the mechanic, the tow truck, and the hospital get their cut and, hey, now they captured it all on camera to maximize litigation. Then you make it to work and report to the Board-selected sociopath—who, surprise surprise, the governing board identified as the only personality disorder anywhere near the top of the food chain—a person whose sole, yet soulless, job is to figure out how to do more with less human resources. And you are a salaried employee, possibly in a right to work state, which translates as: you’re on call 24/7 and please work 50-80 hours a week or we’ll find someone else who will. Oh, and we can fire you without cause, just ’cause. You wander to the window where the facility guys have resumed emptying those skull & crossbone labeled barrels into in the culvert across from the park. Sure, the drinking water’s getting a little Flintier and the food is getting a little more salmonelliear, but we’re saving money, right?
Brussels, BE—The Brexit summit in Belgium arrived with a hefty side order of sarcasm today. The choice of dessert, a giant banana split, struck a negative chord with at least one member of the accord. Many believe the UK is making a historic blunder by brexiting the EU, so several dignitaries desperately attempted to stifle their laughter as the desserts made their way to the table. “No one is laughing,” said May sternly. “Except, of course, all you people laughing. But let me remind you this is no laughing matter. No really, I’ve been crying myself to sleep for weeks over this. Oh, and the duck was salty!” No duck was served at the event, so many believe this was a very clever pun.
Del Rio, TX—For the cost of only about a $100 million a month, the U.S. military is being deployed to meet the roughly 200 individuals in the infamous caravan expected to complete the journey from Guatemala. Three-star General Tim Bradley explains, “We have the higher ground. Mexico is south and thereby downhill, so we have a killer slinky waiting for any man, woman, or child who tries to seek legal asylum in the U.S.” When asked about the potential overkill of deploying such a weapon, General Bradley said, “Yeah, just be thankful we didn’t go with the giant Death Jenga.”
Miami, FL—56-year-old Cesar Sayoc was arrested yesterday in connection with the string of suspicious packages mailed to prominent democrats across the country. Details of the man’s trip to the 5th precinct are now emerging and it appears he was allowed to stop by the post office to cast his vote before being processed. An unnamed law enforcement official claims the man was also allowed to contact his lawyer, Vladmir Putin, Julian Assange, National Security Adviser John Bolton, as well as the fictional Bond villian Ernst Blowfeld.
Lancaster, PA—Many are questioning the president’s use of the military to distribute alternative facts to several key districts in swing states ahead of the November midterm elections. The White House’s effort is a clear attempt to downplay the countless Trumpian missteps in favor of stressing the short-term and shortsighted economic benefits of gutting all of our environmental regulations in the face of extinction.
Riyadh, SAU—A thorough investigation by the Saudi Royal Family and Lube has confirmed that Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi was indeed dismembered within the Saudi’s Istanbul consulate, but the death was ultimately ruled a rare form of natural limb ejection, or a condition known as Spontaneous Human Dismemberment (SHD) #SHDsurvivor #Eye4aBody #MediaSplatters.
Washington—Judge Brett Kavanaugh was sworn into the U.S. Supreme Court today by a narrow 50-48 Senate vote. Kavanaugh becomes the country’s 114th Supreme Court justice, but only the 2nd known sex offender to sit on the highest court in the land. President Trump now has two successful supreme court appointments. Las Vegas had +115 odds for Kavanaugh’s confirmation. He therefore had about the same odds as the likelihood of a Trump impeachment during his first term. Oh, and Vegas is tallying the odds right now for a potential Gorsuch #MeToo moment. Put me down for a Jackson! Mr. Winslow, can you spot me a twenty?
Have you ever been Cruzed or even Huckabeed when trying to enjoy a meal downtown? Do you have a Bush or Trump bumper sticker displayed prominently on your vehicle? Are you a known congressman or senator from The Grand Old Party? Do you put signs on your lawn with a distinctly conservative slant? Do you have a certain red hat in your closet? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, why suffer from public shaming and outright abuse? You too can crawl back into Hannity’s America and still enjoy menu items from hundreds of participating restaurants near you. Why not download our free food-delivery app, FoxTrots, and never have to face a disgruntled liberal snowflake ever again. It’s that easy! Let’s make America eat again.
The Republicans were a cult long before the libs created their safe space version. Cult of anti-personality? In response to my blogvesary’s last post, here’s a quick historical account: Oliver North zipped it to save President Reagan, Scooter Libby zipped it to save President Cheney and Paul Manfort is now zipping it to save President Ass-clown Hitler. Our president considers Paul Manafort a “brave man” while he mulls a pardon. Trump places this creep on the same white collar pedestal he reserves for himself. And who exactly is protecting the lefties amidst this grand counter-intelligence conspiracy of yours? …a bunch of rightwing spooks? Really? This is your narrative, Charlie Brown? I know when I changed my registration from independent to Dem it was to secretly conspire against progressivism. Iran Contra-diction? Hmmm. Why don’t you ask the real question here, what exactly spooked all the spooks down in Spookville?
Turkey—Turkey’s President Tayyip Erdogan is reaching out to a 15-year-old young man from Carlstadt, NJ, who just purchased his country on eBay for a measly 500 ₺. Turkey continues to suffer from a major economic collapse, spurred by growing inflation and stifling tariffs. Now the country remains teetering on the brink of a full sophomoric dictatorship. In an address on turkey’s national television today, President Erdogan pleaded with the boy to: “Sell me back my country, you little shit! We can rent to own, or something.”