Tweet Tower—With the head of the Environmental Protection Agency resigning amidst a sea of scandal, President Trump thought long and hard on how to make a bad situation worse. He eventually tasked his aids with creating a list of the most absurd job histories for those who might replace the disgraced Scott Pruitt. Trump said, “As soon as I saw ‘coal lobbyist’, I stopped reading the rest of the list and called my buddy Andrew Wheeler.” The president later admitted how a coal lobbyist who he would first have to pardon would have been the best choice. The president later added, “Hey, but any port in a shit-storm, right?”
Here’s some of Mr. Wheeler’s accomplishments for those not familiar with this outstanding citizen:
Tweet Tower—The White House is reeling today after some of the key interview questions the president is asking each potential supreme court nominee was leaked to the press. This occurred only hours after the president announced he had narrowed the field of prospective replacements for retiring Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy to four. The first question President Trump asked of each finalist was: Do you believe a sitting president can be indicted? And the follow up question: What if he’s standing?
Tweet Tower—Only hours after the announcement of Justice Anthony Kennedy’s pending retirement, President Trump tweeted his intention to fill the Supreme Court vacancy in a timely manner. He later announced that he’d be using his friends at Speedy Temp to hire a competent and professional Supreme Court Justice “minus all of the usual red tape.” Moments ago the president signed an executive order that skips the whole “nomination/congressional approval thing,” which he hopes will make the transition for Supreme Court Justice Larry faster and smoother.
Las Vegas, NV—Special Counsel Robert Mueller, known for his resolute professionalism, has leaked a controversial statement before the release of his much-anticipated report on Russian interference into the 2016 election. In an off-strip Vegas Irish pub called McMullen’s, the Special Counsel allegedly downed a dozen or more beers and then told a regular: “I’m sick of investigating this ass-clown of a president.” Mueller also told the same bar patron, “If any of Trump’s people had half a brain I could pin collusion on the lot of them, but it’s kind of like watching those guys from Jackass trying to build a time machine.”
Palm Beach, FL—President Donald Trump has responded to recent criticism of his less than stellar performance at last week’s G-7 summit by announcing plans to hold his own “much better G-7”. The event will take place at his Palm Beach resort at Mar-a-Lago on September 11th. The president has already extended invitations to six other hand-picked individuals, who are ready to share America’s new goals, values, and the best chocolate cake in the world!
Quebec, CDN—President Trump apparently arrived much later to the G-7 summit than was originally reported. In fact, the U.S. representative did not attend the traditional world leader photo shoot. Instead a cardboard cutout was propped between Germany’s Angela Merkel and Canada’s Justin Trudeau at the last minute. When asked why none of the leaders leaked this information to the press, they all had a variation of the same response: “We greatly preferred the company of the cardboard cutout.” Justin Trudeau was particular incensed with the President of the United State’s behavior at the summit and wished the cardboard substitute could have “stayed the whole time.” Trudeau went on to say, “If he acts like that again, we will take certain measures. And I’m warning Mr. Trump that Canadian ‘time outs’ take place in the Yukon and involve being chained to a polar bear.”
How does The GOP respond to another looming rightwing catastrophe? They flip the script, of course. We’re not the constitutional crisis, you and your lib-leaning FBI are the constitutional crisis. And even if Trump does turn out to be the crisis, you libs made Trump by having the audacity to call xenophobes bigots. The FBI is lousy with hipster spooks, lousy with them, I say! If Mueller’s findings end up sidelined, we should be storming the old Bastille, yet my blogvesary is focusing on “Spygate”? …you know, another fictional scandal with half the calories of Pizzagate. You have a super majority, dude, so of course we’ll investigate your feigned outrage. We always explore the rightwing conspiracy theory of the day and we do this while the last of society’s intelligentsia remains neutered. Castration without representation?
Tweet Tower—An embarrassing grammatical snafu involving the coolest of Trump’s recent executive orders, impacts the pardoning of boxing great Jack Johnson. Due to an unfortunate typo, only Jack Johnson’s Johnson was legally pardoned last week. Under the heading ‘full name’, Trump’s pardon reads: John Arthur “Jack” Johnson Johnson, the first African-American heavyweight boxing champion. There’s an extra Johnson, which in legal terms implies the full pardon of only the boxer’s penis.