Narnia—Weapon’s inspector’s confirmed many of our worst fears today. Narnia has the ability to produce large quantities of a high yield Cintamanite, a mythical substance found only at the Fords of Beruna in east central Narnia.
“This has great implications for the War on Fiction,” said General David Petraeus.
The White House, meanwhile, is refusing to comment on rumors the Narnians were aided in Cintamanite-enriching technologies by Canada.
Experts believe Cintamanite can nearly double the range and effectiveness of their wooden catapults, as seen during the siege of Cair Paravel in the second film. Some believe it may also enhance the taste of certain seafood recipes.
Rush Limbaugh is using this event to further embarrass The White House.
“Obama has done nothing to prevent this. First Iran, then North Korea, and now Narnia! What’s next on Obama’s watch…is Sauron going to reclaim Mordor?”
Prince Caspian, now deemed an agent of terror and an enemy of the real world, is claiming his troops will utilize guerrilla warfare against the U.S. if further provoked.
“Actually, it’s more of a half gorilla, half goat,” added Caspian. “They can jump out of a cupboard anywhere, any time. Heck, they can even appear out of a picture hanging on your living room wall. How’s Napolitano going to handle that, bitches?”
The President encouraged Americans to keep these developments in perspective, and stated, “Narnia poses no threat to free nations. The saber rattling over in Narnia is just that, saber rattling…literally.”