Los Angeles, CA—Actor Daniel Radcliffe, of Harry Potter fame, admitted to the press today his fate to one day face Lord Voldemort was “just too much” and may have contributed to his heavy drinking on the set.
The Potter actor feels his naked escapades with those horses in that Broadway play “didn’t help.” In retrospect, Radcliffe is just happy he managed to turn down that “Katharine the Great meets Trigger” screenplay.
Radcliffe also blames his boozular indiscretions on the eclectic and unpredictable teaching styles of the professors at Hogwarts. “Professor Snape always exuded pressure, not to mention the crazies and the ones who turned out to be werewolves,” said Radcliffe, “and I don’t recommend taking Potions & Herbology three times, if you follow.”
Friend Luna Lovegood has a different angle and “suspects Nargles” as the main reason Potter was always potted.
Championing a different theory, Dr. Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute of Wizardry, believes J.K. Rowling’s “butterbeer” is a gateway fictional drink.
“I don’t recommend spending your whole childhood drinking something called butterbeer out of a beer mug in some dingy castle pub. It’s a slippery nipple…er, slope. First you start nipping a little butterbeer and the next thing you know you’re chugging Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe.”