The Captain and Tennille Split Up: Millions Rejoice

Tony Ballz

Prescott, AZ—1970s pop stars The Captain and Tennille have called it quits. On January 23, 2014, keyboardist Daryl Dragon was served divorce papers by wife Toni Tennille at the couple’s Prescott home, effectively ending their 39 year marriage.

The duo were at the forefront of the “soft rock” movement, epitomized by the #1 singles “Love Will Keep Us Together” (1975) and “Do That To Me One More Time” (1979), as well as a half dozen other top ten hits. They were staples of 1970s television, even hosting their own short-lived variety show.

Over the last few weeks, The Captain And Tennille’s website had been deluged by supportive emails from all over the world. Here’s a sampling:

“They split up? Really? Oh thank you Jesus, thank you. I hope their divorce is drawn out and full of absolute misery. It might begin to approximate the misery they’ve inflicted upon humanity. What a couple of assholes. I guess love DIDN’T keep them together, hah? Ya get it?”

– Mrs. Arlene Muckenfuss (Barfing, England)

“Finally, the woman of my dreams is free! Oh Tennille, my Tennille! I can’t wait to feel your silky thighs wrapped around my … huh? She’s how old? SEVENTY-THREE? Aw shit, the hell with that. Anyone have Anne Murray’s number?”

– Pastor Emerson Bigguns (Jockstrap Junction, Iowa)

“Seventy-three? And he’s seventy? He probably cheated on her with the night nurse at the retirement home. One of ’em is gonna croak within five years, why didn’t they just run the clock out? I swear, old people suck. Guess love DIDN’T keep them together, hah? Ya get it?”

– Hugh G. Rection (East Jesus, Oklahoma)

“Wow, thirty-nine years. Just couldn’t hang on for one more, huh Tennille? ‘I don’t want anyone thinking I stayed with this loser for forty years, fuck that.’ What a heartless bitch. What’s she gonna do now, join a sexy grannies club?”

– Doug Niedermeyer (Faber, Illinois)

“I’ve worked in a dentist’s office with piped-in music for fifteen years and I swear to Christ, if I hear that goddamn “Muskrat Love” with that stupid chittering synthesizer ONE MORE TIME, I’m going to stab myself in the eye with a lobster fork. I guess love DIDN’T keep them together, hah? Ya get it?”

– Mrs. Louise Fussmucker (Prostate Heights, Michigan)

“They’re divorced? Good. Screw them and their ‘We’re still married’ bullshit. And screw them for writing “Love Will Keep Us Together”, I could fart out a better tune in my sleep … what? Neil Sedaka wrote that song? Well, screw him too. I hope the three of ’em roast in hell. Guess love DIDN’T keep them together, hah? Ya get it?”

– Mother Teresa (Inner Congo, Africa)

“Finally, the woman of my dreams is free! Oh Tennille, my Tennille! I can’t wait to feel your silky thighs wrapped around my … huh? She’s how old? SEVENTY-THREE? Aw shit, the hell with that. Anyone have Helen Reddy’s number?”

– Mohandas K. Gandhi (New Delhi, India)

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