Punta Cana, DR—One infectious disease expert and asymptomatic pubcarrier believes he has created a vaccine for the Corona virus, a virus that recently escaped from a lab in Wuhan China after a night watchmen allegedly fell asleep on the job. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute & Liquor will be selling the vaccine for 5 dollars a pint, and a dollar off during happy hour. When asked about the inspiration behind the important discovery, Hogbein said, “I was sitting on a beach, sipping a beer, and the answer just came to me out of nowhere… or maybe from out of the cooler. It wasn’t really an a-ha moment so much as a ha-ha moment, because damn that shit’s funny!”

President Trump is prepared to present Dr. Hogbein with a Medal of Freedom, a Pulitzer, an Oscar, and a basket of Grammys, or as the president himself put it, “We are all very grateful for Dr. Hogbein’s efforts to keep John Bolton out of the news cycle—I mean, stop this terrible plague thing that has shaken my stockmarket and my bonds.”

[Stock and Bond footage of Trump’s shaken not stirred joke kicked out of Casino Royale.]

Alex Bone has established an outpost on Mt. Lemmon, high in the Catalina Mountains, because he apparently “doesn’t like limes as much.”