CDC Downplays China Virus Mutation: Sudden Craving For Human Flesh “Just A Phase”

Wuhan, China—The Center for Disease Control is downplaying reports coming in from China that those infected with the latest strain of the Coronavirus are showing signs of “some real Resident-Evil-type shit.” Many are concerned that recent cuts to the organization’s budget by the Trump administration will leave the US ill prepared to face this mounting threat. A spokesperson for the CDC told the Discord, “There is no cause for panic, the acting-acting-acting head of the CDC’s brother-in-law has the situation well under control. This new symptom is just a phase; it’s part of the healing process. If you believe someone in your family is infected, just suggest they walker it off, you know, let them shuffle around and get it out of their system. Oh, and please keep them away from any household pets.”

Critics claim the CDC is intentionally misleading the nation, or “the norm” under the Trump. Dr. Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute & Kombucha, said, “In preparation for such an Asia outbreak, I have watched every episode of Kingdom on Netflix. But I’m afraid if the zombie outbreak doesn’t come with subtitles, this it going to be a very confusing apocalypse.”

The Discord’s own Alex Bone said, “I am heading to the top of Mt. Lemmon to establish a base camp on higher ground. I have given Zano and Ballz my location, but, just like for my Y2K Yigapalooza: no beer, no entry, no exceptions.”

In related Z news, Ronco Recalls Thousands Of Their Zombie Feeders.

 

 

 

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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