Tweet Tower—The White House has unveiled a new process designed to increase the country’s reliance on fossil fuels. This technological breakthrough allows conservative-minded factions within the energy sector to both create more oil as well as eliminate all those namby pamby eco-friendly arguments currently protecting certain regions from overt resource raping (ORR). This new approach to oil production is set to easily pass both houses of Congress. Any Democrats who oppose the legislation may end up giving someone else some great gas mileage. Kidding, Congress is also doing away with gas mileage standards, or anything with the word ‘standards’ in it for that matter.

Senator Richard Burr (NC) told the Discord today, “I know some of you are worried about our environmental future and I have to say, I’m not. We have created contingency plans for ourselves and our children. It’s win-win, well, for myself and my aforementioned children. But we are all really excited about this process. The long term prospects are promising, because with enough CO₂, smog, and other particulates in our atmosphere, well, that should pretty much shut those solar people up. You can’t use the sun, if you can’t see it. Hah! Yes, part of this idea was inspired by a certain energy tycoon from Springfield.”

In addition, Exxon Mobil wants to start drilling directly into glacial fissures as well as currently protected nature preserves. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said, “Knowing something about this, oil is part of nature and we plan to preserve it, in barrels, until it’s ready for distribution. Remember, opportunity is where you find it, and we tend to find it right under state parks, national parks, reservoirs, aquifers and fragile ice sheets.”