Forbidden Zone—Pope “Benedict Arnold” has had a drastic change in his retirement plan. As soon as he abdicated his power, he was surrounded by armed Bishops and the last of the Knights Templar before being ushered into a clandestine chamber deep in the Vaticave. There, Pope Benedict the Whatshisface, was given a choice. He could pack his Papal backpack and be banished to the Forbidden Zone, or he could pack his Papal backpack and be banished to the Forbidden Zone to destroy the One Pope Ring.

The Pope pleaded for other choices, not the least of which involved Jessica Alba and a French maid’s costume. He also asked to stay in the janitor’s closet on the first floor of the Passeto, then the table under one of the rape rooms, and finally His Homelessness begged to live out his last days on a St. Peter’s Square bench in the hopes of capturing one of the doves he’d released for sustenance.

In the end, his Holiness the Nope was sent into the Forbidden Zone south of Vatican City, where Dr. Zaius warns us, “He will find his destiny…but he better not try that ‘my precioussss’ crap! He needs to burn that thing so Obama can mint a trillion dollar coin!”

There was a point to this post, originally.