In one of the biggest news blackouts in history, we have brought to light a story that only the Daily Discord would dare to print. Facts are slim, but how is that different from any other Discord post?
In case you were wondering, that giant blast of light that exploded across the night sky back on January 31st, wasn’t Balloon Boy flying out into space or even some of George Bush Senior’s thousand points of light. Instead, inside sources claim the infamous Bone Gang finally eliminated our solar system’s biggest threat… No, not The Crank, the planet Pluto itself! Those in the know, rightly call our 9th planet, Yuggoth, a sinister home planet (er, planetoid?) to the evil evolved fungi (er, fungtoids?), the Migo. This race, the Migo, have been a plague on mankind even longer than the Ghetto Shaman’s “barely legal spiritual retreats.”
Treating humans no better than lab rats, the Migo have been known to conduct cruel experiments, such as removing the still living brains of humans and placing them in metal cylinders (as seen on Futurama). They have also been known to utilize persistent telemarketing techniques to the same phone number for sinister solicitation purposes. Sometimes the Migo insert their consciousness into the voided skull. For Dave Atsals, and many of our politicians, the removing-of-the-brain part can be skipped.
Still, you might be wondering how the Bone Gang pulled off this miraculous feat. They simply disguised their space going blimp as an asteroid and, after grabbing a few spare nukes from the Russian black market, they went all Ben Affleck at a free booze convention on their asses.
Since it is a matter of national security, we can’t tell you how Devo Devins managed to transport one nuke into the center of their fungus covered world of ice. Nor should we tell you how he dropped a second nuke on Cthulhu’s head when the Migo tried to summon this thing that should not be (other than Pierce Winslow). We can, however, tell you that Phillip Brownhurst has opened up a new chain in Cambridge Mass, which features a Cthulhu burger with a side of fungus fries.
So what is next on the Bone Gang’s agenda? This is obviously a well-kept secret. There are rumors of a Bone for President campaign, circling in certain nefarious circles. But an anarchist in the White House? It can’t be any worse than what we’ve been dealing with over the last decade. There are many that would love to see America Boned. Others have concern over my wishes to change our currency to read, ‘In Yig We Trust.’
For those confused by this sensationalistic Lovecraftian rant, all of your questions will be answered in my new book, The Chronicles of Jack Primus. Or, maybe not. But this cheap shameless plug is real enough. And, yes, for posting this I will buy you a beer, Zano. You cheap bastard!
Hey, if anyone else wants to promote their work on the Daily Discord, it’s simple. Press the Contact button on our website, CEO Pierce Winslow will promptly relay the message to Mick Zano, who will immediately lose it and then presto! Nothing.