Porn Free: One Cabby’s Vegas Tail

Madison Parker thanks Bald Tony for the lift. The feeling is mutual.
Bald Tony

Having hardly adjusted to the premature dismantling of the roving stripper mobile, Las Vegas is dealt yet another serious blow.  I’m not talking about Obama’s gaffe: I, the Great Bald One, can no longer support the porn industry, or the people who attend these adult entertainment expos.  It all started when the Daily Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, insisted I attend the annual AEE at The Sands Expo Center.  Normally you would never find me anywhere near such smut, unless I have a roll of singles.  Luckily, as a cabby…

Each year, early January in Vegas is a twisted variation of some Revenge of the Nerds movie played out citywide.  Every computer and electronics geek is in for the Consumer Electronic Show and every horny jock is in town for the porn expo.  The reason for this unusual open marriage is the porn industry always stays ‘on top of’ the latest technologies, from Betamax to Debbie Does HiDef.  And, yours truly, typically has to drive all the jocks and nerds to their respective destinations.  While I experience considerable angst handling the passenger’s gift bags from these events, I was always thankful not to be working in housekeeping that week.

It’s a well known Vegas fact amongst the service industry that porn workers and fans are very loose with their money, while the computer and technology geeks, um…not so much   Thus the old Las Vegas saying: the Consumer Electronic Show attendees come to town with a clean shirt and a twenty dollar bill, and they don’t change either.

Low and behold, I would have the day off from my transportation duties this year, because the Daily Discord is insisting I cover the porn expo.  Heartless bastards…   My mother would be so proud.   On the bright side, Winslow is taking care of my lodging and transportation—of which I need neither.  I sent him the receipt for the admission and he sent me back a generic Thank You card and a note…shit, he’s making me cover the damn Star Trek convention at the Hilton next month.  Bastard.

This picture, above, was taken directly after I had to watch porn star Madison Parker expertly devour a vanilla frozen yogurt.  (I’m not kidding).  I asked none of Winslow’s prearranged questions, but I am including them here so you understand why:

Have you ever considered giving up porn for the fake news industry?

When did you first here the calling to become an adult entertainer, and was it Divine intervention?

Was Divine a transvestite or transgendered and how did he/she die?

Sorry, Pierce.  I only asked her two questions: what flavor was that frozen yogurt and did you just suck on that thing in front of me to rub it in?  What I should have asked her was this: when did you decide to provide your services for free to bald Las Vegas cab drivers?

Here’s the best part:  after taking the picture, Winslow wanted me to write an article entitled: 

Revealing Bald Tony/Madison Parker/John Edwards Sex Tape Released!

What a lousy rag I work for.  Did you know most of the stories on the Daily Discord aren’t true?  And the pictures are Photoshopped!  Except the Blue Man Group one.  As a longtime Vegas resident, I think that really happened.

By the way, Zano comes out to review this article and immediately causes a scene in my favorite coffee shop.  This Marx Brothers comedy routine transpires as he tries to find an outlet by involving as many of the pretty baristas and patrons as possible.  They all end up climbing over and under furniture in his maniacal Ahab-like quest for electrons i.e. he isn’t much of a help, Winslow!

Ah, well, things should be picking up in Vegas, as the second ‘vertical pole challenge’ is on the horizon for the Palms Hotel and Casino in late February (Hairy Palms joke omitted by Winslow).  Well, I’d better beam over to the Hilton.


Live Long and Pornstar.

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