Sesame Street—Sesame Street is under siege at this hour amidst a sequence of events witnesses are calling “better than that Seagal movie of the same name.” President Trump is apparently directing his recent frustrations toward the home turf of the late great Jim Henson. Soon after the president announced his intentions to defund PBS, a Muppets RESIST movement was born. Since March several of Henson’s creations have been arrested and detained for acts unbecoming of a puppet. Today a military sweep of the Muppet home world has resulted in five arrests, countless citations, and a possible Gonzo movie deal. Shortly before the raid a witness claims the president asked a pedestrian, “Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? No really, I want to fuck some of those fuzzy little shits up.”
Although the Muppet kingpin, Kermit the Frog, remains hidden in an undisclosed sock drawer, many of his minions are behind bars at this hour. According to White House officials a local bakery has pressed petty larceny charges against the Cookie Monster and Oscar the Grouch was brought in on vagrancy charges. Bert and Ernie are in custody for breaking new federal sodomy laws, Big Bird has been sold to Chick fil-A, and the Count Von Count ended up with one, two, three …three counts of disorderly exsanguination. Mwah, ha, ha!
In addition, Gonzo’s nose was broken over 15 times during an altercation with military personnel, but witnesses claim it actually looks straighter now. The Discord has also confirmed that the Swedish Chef will soon be deported to, as Trump added, “That country where Swedish people are from.”
The White House is thus far refusing to allow the Red Cross to verify the condition of the Muppet prisoners, but President Trump did tell reporters, “Have you ever seen Grundgetta? That horrible little thing looks like she was pulled out of a trash can …oh, I am being told she was actually pulled out of a trash can. Who says I’m never right?”
An APB has also been placed on a giant cryptid known only as the Snuffleupagus, but no one has seen the creature …well, really ever.
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