Collapsing Shack, AZ—In an attempt to increase cigarette and chewing tobacco sales to children, the Tobacco Industry revealed its plan to introduce its new spokesman, Kenny the Crawdad. This smiling cartoonish caricature of a smoking lobster-like-thing is already slated for television, children’s magazines, and billboards across our great nation.
Tobacco Lobbyist Paul Maul said, “For too long we’ve suffered from decreased sales as our older consumers are dying off in droves from lung cancer to emphysema to that other bad one. It’s really sad, for our stocks.”
When I pointed out that advertising for children to smoke was made illegal decades ago, Paul blew a thick puff of oily smoke into my face. “We’re talking about Congress here, Bone. A few well-placed brib…er, contributions, and we’re back in the Salem again. After all the free cartons I passed around our Capitol Building, hell, that’s what this government shutdown is about. It’s one big smoke break. I even got cigarette taxes eliminated, go Teabaggers!”
Kenny the Crawdad’s catch phrases are already cropping up in playgrounds everywhere. Mr. Maul shared some of them with me, “Come on kids, smoking is cool! If you don’t smoke you’re gay. Don’t just screw, chew! No smokes, no sex. I love that last one because it’s true. I mean, what are you supposed to do after sex? Talk? Give me break…a smoke break. Besides, talking just leads to arguments.”
Apparently, lobbyists are not stopping there. Kenny has become so popular he is being employed by other companies and lobbyists. Maul shared some of these as well, “Condoms are for queers! You never lose when you’re pounding booze. Sex is a great way to make new friends and a few extra bucks. Drugs are fun, home work is not! Playing outside is only for poor kids. Animals suck. Littering is cool,” and of course, “Stealing is the new crack.” Maul laughed which triggered a productive coughing fit, “Remember Flo from Progressive? You won’t after Kenny the Crawdad hits the scene.”
When I asked if these new slogans were a tad insensitive, Maul threw a zippo lighter at my face. “What do you want in your community meth or menthol labs!”
I don’t know what that even means, exactly, but the interview ended as I needed to stop the bleeding. Meanwhile, nay sayers are saying “nay” but Kenny’s growing popularity is thwarting any do-gooder mounted backlash (DGMB). But as Kenny would say. “Giving up is fine, kids, as long as you still have a valid medical marijuana card.”