Tobacco Lobbyists Introduce Spokesman Kenny the Crawdad

Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—In an attempt to increase cigarette and chewing tobacco sales to children, the Tobacco Industry revealed its plan to introduce its new spokesman, Kenny the Crawdad. This smiling cartoonish caricature of a smoking lobster-like-thing is already slated for television, children’s magazines, and billboards across our great nation.

Tobacco Lobbyist Paul Maul said, “For too long we’ve suffered from decreased sales as our older consumers are dying off in droves from lung cancer to emphysema to that other bad one. It’s really sad, for our stocks.”

When I pointed out that advertising for children to smoke was made illegal decades ago, Paul blew a thick puff of oily smoke into my face. “We’re talking about Congress here, Bone. A few well-placed brib…er, contributions, and we’re back in the Salem again. After all the free cartons I passed around our Capitol Building, hell, that’s what this government shutdown is about. It’s one big smoke break. I even got cigarette taxes eliminated, go Teabaggers!”

Kenny the Crawdad’s catch phrases are already cropping up in playgrounds everywhere. Mr. Maul shared some of them with me, “Come on kids, smoking is cool! If you don’t smoke you’re gay. Don’t just screw, chew! No smokes, no sex. I love that last one because it’s true. I mean, what are you supposed to do after sex? Talk? Give me break…a smoke break. Besides, talking just leads to arguments.”

Apparently, lobbyists are not stopping there. Kenny has become so popular he is being employed by other companies and lobbyists. Maul shared some of these as well, “Condoms are for queers! You never lose when you’re pounding booze.  Sex is a great way to make new friends and a few extra bucks. Drugs are fun, home work is not! Playing outside is only for poor kids. Animals suck. Littering is cool,” and of course, “Stealing is the new crack.” Maul laughed which triggered a productive coughing fit, “Remember Flo from Progressive? You won’t after Kenny the Crawdad hits the scene.”

When I asked if these new slogans were a tad insensitive, Maul threw a zippo lighter at my face. “What do you want in your community meth or menthol labs!”

I don’t know what that even means, exactly, but the interview ended as I needed to stop the bleeding. Meanwhile, nay sayers are saying “nay” but Kenny’s growing popularity is thwarting any do-gooder mounted backlash (DGMB). But as Kenny would say. “Giving up is fine, kids, as long as you still have a valid medical marijuana card.”

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Alex Bone

Alex Bone

Alex Bone (Michael D. Griffiths) is a man who likes to keep busy, too bad it mostly involves cleaning squirrels. In the past, his writing has been published in numerous periodicals and anthologies sometimes even published by someone else. He was awarded first place in Withersin’s 666 contest, which he was told will later give him the Golden Ticket tour of the third plane of Hell. He is on the staff of The Daily Discord, Cyberwizard Productions, SFReader, and on the Board of Directors for the Society of Advanced Humans that Seek to Live as Viking Ninjas. His series The Chronicles of Jack Primus is available through Living Dead Press. After being bitten by a zombie, his attentions have turned toward the walking dead and he has begun a new Zombie Apocalypse series called the Eternal Aftermath. When he discovered that he was a cloned from Eric the Red’s DNA, he wrote the Science Fiction series Skinjumpers. Later while experimenting with strange fungus, he slipped into a Fantasy world ruled by the mad mage Dalsala Den. 

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