Bush, Fascism, and the Other ‘N’ Word

Mick Zano

It’s time to put an end to the unfounded accusations that our government is moving toward fascism.  Most people probably don’t even know the real definition. Fascism involves an unhealthy enmeshment between corporations and government.  For instances, Bush’s entrepreneurial buddies throwing Enron-like parties at the taxpayer’s expense and leaders waging wars while sitting on the boards of profiting companies…unrelated stuff like that.

Let’s go back in history.  When Adolf Hitler was 19, he traveled to Vienna to enroll in a prestigious art school, but he was denied admission.  This is reason enough to accept anyone to any art school regardless of talent, money, or tendency to sculpt headless puppies.  I only mention this because, well, how would history have changed if Hitler had been admitted into that art school?  We might have avoided so much senseless tragedy—like his frivolous avant-garde stencil period, which many found to be ‘tripe,’ and ‘ghastly.’  In contrast, Bush never went to art school, but he did snort coke with a guy named Art at school.   Apparently, Julio was in rehab.

During Hitler’s rise to power, he began quelling any and all dissent by declaring people who opposed his views as “enemies of the state,” probably starting with his art critics.  FOX News’ Sean Hannity (White House propagandist extraordinaire) has also referred to his political foes as “enemies of the state” during his hit show Hannity’s America.  He was forced to change the title to “enemies of the week” upon receiving a memo from the Vice President with only the words, “Subtlety, dumbkopf!” Hannity’s show is must-see TV.  No really.  You have to watch it…now.

Meanwhile, back in Germany, Hitler hijacked the judiciary, the radio, and the press in short order.   But, the Bush Administration only revamped the Justice Department to include ‘more agreeable sorts,’ ignored the legislative branch with signing statements, and only really owns FOX News, AM radio, and parts of Katie Couric.  So there is still plenty of opposition from cable news, several Jewish comedians, and certain disreputable e-zines like the Daily Discord.

We really need to do something about those Jewish comedians.

In Mein Kampf—which I believe can be roughly translated by non-German speaking comedic journalists as ‘my puppy’—Hitler was actually quoted as saying, “The receptivity of the great masses is very limited, their intelligence is small, but their power of forgetting is enormous.”  This is precisely why I voted for Al Edwards in 2003…if only he hadn’t been waterboarded by those fraudulent Korean Vet bastards!

“In consequence of these facts,” Hitler continues, “all effective propaganda must be limited to a very few points and must harp on these in slogans until the last member of the public understands what you want him to understand by your slogan.” The Bush administration’s behaviors bear little resemblance to such crass tactics.  Reminding people constantly that we are ‘fighting them over there so we don’t have to fight them here,’ and, ‘read my lips, she was over 18 officer,’ is just sound politics.

Hitler goes on to say: “And only after the simplest ideas are repeated thousands of times will the masses finally remember them.” Even Hitler could not have foreseen just how much repetition it would take for things to sink into the skull and bones of one George W. Bush.  But did Hitler foresee such future events?  It might explain his ‘No Fuhrer Left Behind’ program, passed in 1932.  I’m sure it is just a coincidence that over 60% of the US still believes Iraq was responsible for 9-11 and that a clear link exists between Iraq and Al-Qaeda.  As it turns out, if you topple Iraq’s government, Al-Qaeda flows in over the border.  See the connection?  And they called Bush mad…

In 1933 it is suspected that Hitler arranged the bombing of the Reichstag, which was apparently some German embassy, or possibly a jelly donut.  Ich bin ein Reichstagger!  The would-be Fuhrer dubbed this fiery incident as an act of terrorism, and immediately started playing Scherenschnitte with the German constitution (Today’s bonus word, kids, is Scherenschnitte: a cool paper-art craft thingie).  After the incident, Hitler indefinitely suspended Habeas Corpus, which he felt was a “silly word anyway,” and believed it should “not only be suspended, but should not be allowed back on school property” (rough translation).

Bush did nothing of the sort after 9-11.  Well, he did do all of that, but only to keep us safe (on the bright side, look at the cool snowflakes he made from the Bill of Rights).  There are many who feel 9-11 was an inside job, but Bush couldn’t orchestrate a Comedy Central roast of Paul Wolfowitz, let alone pull off anything this big.  So give it a rest.  What was his plan?  Hey, I’ll pretend to be reading a book to children while the towers fall, heh, heh, heh.  Let’s face it, reading is just not a plausible alibi for incurious George.

After the Reichstag bombing, Hitler circled the wagons, became incredibly secretive, and started a new department called Homeland Security.  Although, I admit this seems vaguely reminiscent of recent events in America, just look at the German version: Vaterland Sicherheit.  See?  Granted it means Homeland Security, but in Bush’s defense, the German version bears little resemblance.

With that pesky Habeas Corpus out of the way, Hitler created some secret prisons and expanded the Secret Police’s standard interrogation techniques, Versch ärfte Vernehmung, to include stress positions, sleep deprivation, and waterboarding. Oh, wait, they didn’t officially include waterboarding, as that would clearly be torture and they could get themselves into a real international pressure-cooker if they admitted to that.   The Gestapo really dodged an electrode to the nad on that one.

Another key component to the Nazi’s success was the religious right.  Hitler used religious leaders to spread his peace, love, and fascism throughout Deutschland.  The entire Discord research division could not draw a single parallel to what’s happening today.  That could never happen here!  Unless we started some type of Club with, say, 700 of our closest friends.  What should we call this club? Hmmm.

Hitler, as you recall, was a big fan of Nietzsche, and Bush’s favorite philosopher is, of course, Jesus.  Nietzsche believed God is dead, Jesus equals God, and therefore Bush is God, right?  This is called the Sowhatic Method.  I’m being told to end this now…They are insisting.  One more voice silenced in Hannity’s America.  Sadly, most of the stuff in this article is accurate, except the part about the girl being 18 years of age, that schweinhund!

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.