Newark, NJ—Botanist Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute & Grill, has announced his discovery today regarding the origins of presumptive GOP nominee Donald Trump’s hair. Dr. Hogbein believes the hair follicles are actually a form of aquatic plant life in the anemone family. Dr. Hogbein explains, “I have strong evidence that Mr. Trump’s hair is in fact a genetically modified Diadumene lineata, or orange-striped sea anemone. Some time ago the body of the anemone was surgically planted beneath Mr. Trump’s skull. He apparently has plenty of tiny holes in his head through which the tentacles could then grow in a similar manner to the loveable Chia-Pet. This is why it looks so natural, except the color, and can be styled like natural hair. Unfortunately, if my hypothesis is correct, I estimate the anemone’s column, or main body, has grown to a point where there’s very little room left for any cerebral matter. This might explain Mr. Trump’s Tweets. Also, with the end of the digestive tract being under Mr. Trump’s scalp, well, it brings new meaning to the word shit for brains.”
You didn’t actually think there was more to this story, did you? Oh dear. Well, here’s a picture of Twinkie destroying the planet. Cheers!