I Didn’t Leave the Discord, the Discord Left Me: Oh, and I Didn’t Have Email

As it turns out email is more than a passing fad. Anyway, so I step away from this project for a moment and everything turns to hell. Speaking of hell, I called up Pope Francis and he assured me that hell does indeed exist; it’s a real place, and it’s very painful—even more painful than reading The Daily Discord.

Pope Francis expressed concern over how often his position has been misrepresented and his words quoted out of context. He then bitched about Zano and Bone for the next twenty minutes.

“Who turns the Vatican into a barcrawl? What’s with these guys? I had a Cardinal dislocate a hip on a beer pong ball.”

—The Pope

In fact, I went over my cell phone minutes and Mr. Winslow should probably compensate me (I’m sending along a copy of the bill).

And, in anticipation of Tony Ballz’ next article, Pope Francis asked me to set the record straight. “The Roman Catholic Church does not now, nor has it ever supported the ordination of those gay polygamous transsexual shit goblins among us. You’re thinking of the Episcopalians.”

When I helped found the Daily Discord, back in 1861, I never would have dreamed it would morph into such an amusing site of totalitarian appeasement. I must wonder whether this site ever seriously criticizes the present ruling administration. Oh, I know, Mick doesn’t like ‘serious’ articles and I was told specifically for this feature, “Unless you work in a joke about shitgoblins, McDooris, I’m not posting this crap!” Here’s the problem, Zano, pointing out the reality of a totalitarian takeover in real time is not an easy comedy piece to pull off. Incidentally, it can also get you audited by the IRS.

I call on the Daily Discord to use its influence to defend the Bill of Rights, rights that are now under attack. I know that the Bill of Rights are rather passé for you progressives, but I think that they’re worth a second look. You see, the Bill of Rights were created to ensure that individuals like you and me are protected from the tyranny of the majority to impose its will against our individual life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. It’s a wonderful concept (which was also my favorite Jimmy Stewart movie).

For example, universal healthcare involves the federal government forcing all individuals to participate in a health insurance plan. But what happens when an individual, like me, chooses not to enroll in health insurance as part of their liberty and pursuit of happiness? Well, then the IRS fines me, or taxes me, or otherwise gets in my business as a penalty against my individual pursuit of happiness. Does anybody else see the problem here? You see, the Bill of Rights grants me God-given rights to pursue my life, liberty, and happiness free from all coercion from the government or the social status quo. It also protects me from the oppression of spoof news sites and editors who insist I pile goblins of shit into my important spoof news rhetoric.

You don’t have to agree with me; I have a right to be wrong. But totalitarian states don’t recognize God-given rights. So let’s say I, as the CEO of the Daily Discord, believe it to be immoral to pay for Alex Bone’s birth control? But universal healthcare forces people and churches and businesses to violate their moral dictates or face fines by the federal government? Do you all see how this is a clear violation of the Bill of Rights? Even though the vast majority of citizens feel it’s imperative that Mr. Bone be given bucket-sized piles of birth control, I have the God-given right to refuse to participate in the controlling of Bone’s reproductive capabilities.

Okay, bad example. In his case I think I’d probably make an exception. Can I call a mulligan? I’m forgetting the rules here.

Fine, Zano! Fine! So this gay guy, this transsexual, and this shitgoblin walk into a bar.

NO! I won’t do it…

Um…not on principle, I just can’t think of a good punch line. How about this, I’ll shake off the rust and you people start addressing the real issues.

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Pokey McDooris

Pokey McDooris

Pokey is The Discord's chief theologian and philosopher. Pokey performs an important function here at The Discord, namely by annoying the living shit out of Zano, whenever he submits something.