Taos, NM—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bait Shop, believes 420 and the related spike in marijuana use is subtly altering the rotation of the Earth’s axis. Dr. Hogbein explains, “This is a form of time travel. It’s not just about all the weed and the resulting slow moving hipsters, there’s an additional factor thus far missed by science. What science ignores is all the associated convenience-store munchies. Remember how right before their own time travel adventures, Bill & Ted said there were strange things afoot at the Circle-K? It’s not tachyon particles, convenience store food is the key to time travel. Once Cheetos, Twinkies and chili dogs are combined with the existing cannabinoidic receptors of the brain, I believe a small Snack Gate can open within the neural snacknaptic clefts of the temporal lobe.”
Washington—The intelligence community has continued to work diligently to determine the origin of the “voices” plaguing the president’s age-addled brain. FBI Director James Comey met with the head of the American Psychological Association yesterday and then promptly contacted a FISA judge for a warrant. Mr. Comey told the Discord today, “We need to determine if these messages are the result of a psychotic disorder, or if a foreign government has successfully hacked into the president’s brain. Therefore, I have obtained a FISA warrant to listen to the president’s thoughts. Not me personally, of course, but an appointee. I mean, F-that shit.” Mr. Trump was then informed he would need to remove the aluminum foil from his head—a tactic used to block out these voices—and then don some particularly goofy lab apparatus.
San Diego, CA—After the incident this weekend that claimed the life of eight year old Bobby Turner, the petting zoo management of WolverDreams Inc. announced it will be closing its doors forever. Little Bobby’s visit, which was originally arranged in conjunction with the Make A Wish Foundation, ended the life of a young man a few weeks prematurely. Bobby was given only a few weeks to live due to inoperable nose cancer. Bobby’s parents told the press his bucket list still included: giving Sally Phillips a wedgie, attending a cock fight, and punching a senior citizen in the face.
Tweet Heaven—According to several reliable archangel sources, God’s patience and enthusiasm for the new U.S. administration is waning. Evangelical poster-child Pat Robertson spoke with the supreme being this morning for over an hour on the phone. Since that discussion, Robertson is preparing to either make a retraction of his earlier statement, namely how ‘Trump is God’s candidate’, or he will be announcing his new career in the food service industry. Fingers crossed, heathens!
Washington—Paul Ryan is less than pleased by the premature death of Trumpcare, a healthcare system many were calling ‘irresponsible’ and ‘stupid’. Whereas Speaker Ryan remains distraught, President Trump is already shifting his focus to other things he hopes to fuck up. Ryan told the Discord today, “All I wanted to do was destroy the poor and middle class. Is that so much to ask? I had this whole bit I was going to do after it passed. I was going to say, ‘And now for something completely indifferent.’ Damn, that would have been rad.”
Washington—The republican healthcare plan designed to replace Obamacare remains in critical condition at this hour. Trump spent the last day before the crucial vote trying to woo conservative support by learning what the word ‘woo’ means. Many in the House Freedom Caucus are attacking the Trumpcare bill from the right. Congressman Aschlocke (R-AK) told the Discord today, “The American Health Care Act can not pass in its current form. It doesn’t do nearly enough to screw up this country’s healthcare system.” When asked what it would take for the Congressman to flip his vote from a no to a yes, he said, “Trumpcare has the word ‘care’ in it. Take that shit out for starters. Republicans are looking for a plan nothing short of repeal and disgrace. Comprende? Oh, and if anyone else uses the word comprende they will be deported.”
Debating the merits of the Republican party is futile, because they don’t have any. Endlessly conveying to my blogvesary how discourse is dead has become Ray-Charles-at-a-shooting-range aimless. Polarization has led us to this place of irreconcilable political differences. To his credit, Pokey saw this coming too. Whereas he blames liberalism for creating an immoral societal malaise, I place the sad state of our union squarely at the doorstep of the GOP …hold the malaise? As for the media, my fear has always been that MSNBC would follow the money and become an alternate ideological echo-chamber. Fox left? This would then cause the impermeable GOP-bubble to spread libward. Whereas this is happening, my rebuttal to the Pokester remains: if your endgame was to elect a sociopathic ass-clown to the Oval Office, no one should care to review the particulars on how you reached that sad, royal turd of a conclusion. Crowning bereavement?
Studio City, CA—The Hallmark Channel has released a statement apologizing for the airing all seven movies from the Saw franchise on prime time television last Sunday. The network would like to remind its viewers this was a single incident, or seven single incidents (if you want to get technical), but Hallmark wants to reassure its viewers that they plan to remain dedicated to producing really lame family-targeted entertainment. The company has also issued the statement, “The Saw movies do not reflect the principles or values of our network, and so-called torture porn is really not our thing. Honest. You can even check our search histories.”