Valley stream, NY–All went well at the Valley Stream Wal-Mart during Black Friday’s early morning stampedes.
“We’re proud of our crowd control efforts this year,” said Wal-Mart store manager Patty Davy. “Only a couple of people clawed and kicked for the last Zhu Zhu Hamsters and it certainly was all fun and games until someone lost an eye in aisle seven.”
The store credits the smooth operation on changing the traditional uniforms to Clockwork Orange-style and management’s decision to arm their staff with live cattle prods.
“It also helped that no one had any actual money to spend this year,” said Davy. “It took the edge off.”
Not all opinions were positive, however.
“It’s the busiest shopping day of the year,” said Nancy Mullens of Valley Stream. “You have to expect a few causalities of Wal (COWs).”
Another complaint came from Jon Heffron of Long Beach, “Look, this is as close to the Running of the Bulls as I’m going to get in this economy, and I wasn’t even shoved once this morning.”
Other shoppers shared this negative view.
“Black Friday should have an element of danger to it,” said Frankie Devito of Elmont. “When a lifeguard yells ‘shark’, we’re the kind of people who go into the water and drag the bitch onto land and beat it to death with our children. I mean, not for nothun’, this is Long Island. Fuck’em if they can’t take a tramplin’.”
Manager Davy responded to the criticism, “It’s true a lot of people wanted to kick it up a notch anyway this year but, out of respect for the dead, we decided to nix having our shoppers climb over mannequins dressed as Wal-Mart greeters. But next year expect a move toward the stampedes of old, so pack your steal toed boots, bitches!”
Wal-Mart corporate headquarters hopes to ease back into the violent shopping sprees with a trial run in the spring called Tear Gas Tuesday and their Mauled at the Mall Barbie line is set for release in early Fall.