The Crank Manifesto: On Hannity & Zano, a Match Made in Heaven!

The Crank

Sean Hannity, Micko? You couldn’t resist seeking out the only other person on this whole whirling shithole of a planet that can’t let go of George Bush. Did you just happen to tune in on America’s Newsroom with Megyn “Long-Legs” Kelly and Bill Whateverthefuck? No. Did you just happen to tune in on FOX & Friends with Gretchen “Up-Skirt” Carlson? No. How about The FOX Report with Shepard “I’z-Only-Read’n-Wuts-on-de-Teluhpromptr” Smith? No. Not even The O’Reilly Factor with Bill “See-My-Reflection-in-This-Window” O’Reilly? No. It just HAPPENED to be Sean Hannity, a man whose idea of going “green” was buying a Cadillac Escalade Hybrid. BULLSHIT! You’re looking at a mirror image of yourself, there, Micko. Like when the transporter divided Kirk into the “Good” Kirk and the “Bad” Kirk on Star Trek. Alan Colmes got so all-fucking tired of hearing it he quit! Where can an old funny-looking Democrat with a Roswellian-shaped head and 4 million memorized talking points find work? Oh yeah, there’s always MSNBC, where all bad journalists go to die.

FOX News Channel does have other shows that are much more mentally or visually rewarding, depending what’s on your mind (what little there is of it). I can watch Gretchen Carlson for hours with the sound off and find myself strangely satiated, sort of like watching Xena reruns on the queer channel in the middle of the night. I can listen to Megyn Kelly for hours as she makes interviewees look like Neanderthals. I laugh my ass off every evening watching Shep Smith try to talk. There’s also the FOX News brother channel, FOX Business, with Alexis “Can-You-Spell-Cougar” Glick in the morning, or Rebecca “Cuchi-Cuchi” Diamond and Cody “Jumping-Beans-up-My-Ass” Willard during Happy Hour from, of all places, the Bull & Bear Saloon in the Waldorf Astoria. Come on, your Mickness, try it—grow as a person. It’s not too late, no matter what your daughter says.

Why don’t we hear about the fucking 1.5 TRILLION dollars spent on the coronation—er, I mean, “inauguration”? If it were McCain spending that much, you liberal know-it-all fucking idiots would barely be able to walk, what with the raging hard-ons you would all have in anticipation of the media enemas McCain would be receiving.

I’ve got it! It’s like the Star Trek where the guy that’s half black and half white goes into a locked time warp to fight the guy that’s half white and half black for all time. You and old Sean could sit in a sealed room across from one another for all time, debating the great GWB—and no, I don’t mean the bridge. When the Daleks dig up what’s left of our hemorrhoidal civilization in 10 thousand years, they will find—hermetically sealed (hemorrhoidally sealed?) in a locked vault buried deep in a secret military installation in the mountains of Utah—Micko and Sean, locked in a never-ending battle, still debating the same 16 fucking talking points until the end of time.

In the immortal words of Senator John McCain, when he was stopped by Maria Schwarzenegger on camera and asked how he felt upon losing the presidential nomination eight years ago, “Go away, please. Just go away.”

Yours Unruly

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