Discord Horoscope

Aries (March 21-Aril 19) Your Hyundai will explode leaving a better handling black thing in your driveway. Bad week to eat licorice.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) You will be controlled by aliens from Rigel 4. They will make you act out the funnier American Idol episodes.

Gemini (March 21-Aril 19) Avoid dangling midgets.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) Flatulence will be a problem in the weeks to come. Dealings with a financial consultant will leave your frigid.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22) Befriend the elk, give him a home. Bury all that oppose you in the root cellar. The elk is the way to salvation. Good time to finish that project you’ve been postponing.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22) Stop being a dick to your employees. Stop being a dick to your employer. You’re such a dick.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22) If you persist in the art of love, you may strain something. The setback may be costly, so befriend a doctor. Bring him a knick knack from the garage.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22) Don’t wear your ripped Jim Beam shirt to the board meeting. You’re sock is under the couch. I wouldn’t risk retrieving it.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) Couples need to renew that romantic feeling. Seek out a very special place with meaning for just the two of you and set fire to it. Spread the ashes in the shape of a pentagon and kill a goat (say what you want, but it beats public television).

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan19) Don’t wear a cap unless you plan to taunt squirrels. Tonight: battery run devices loom large in your love-life.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb18) Avoid extravagance. If you see the worked extravagance in a public place, kill it. Try not to worry about your poofy hair.

Pisces (Feb9-March19) File harassment charges against a random stranger. Improve your tennis game at the expense of others.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.