Aries (March 21-Aril 19) Your Hyundai will explode leaving a better handling black thing in your driveway. Bad week to eat licorice.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) You will be controlled by aliens from Rigel 4. They will make you act out the funnier American Idol episodes.
Gemini (March 21-Aril 19) Avoid dangling midgets.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Flatulence will be a problem in the weeks to come. Dealings with a financial consultant will leave your frigid.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22) Befriend the elk, give him a home. Bury all that oppose you in the root cellar. The elk is the way to salvation. Good time to finish that project you’ve been postponing.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22) Stop being a dick to your employees. Stop being a dick to your employer. You’re such a dick.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22) If you persist in the art of love, you may strain something. The setback may be costly, so befriend a doctor. Bring him a knick knack from the garage.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22) Don’t wear your ripped Jim Beam shirt to the board meeting. You’re sock is under the couch. I wouldn’t risk retrieving it.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) Couples need to renew that romantic feeling. Seek out a very special place with meaning for just the two of you and set fire to it. Spread the ashes in the shape of a pentagon and kill a goat (say what you want, but it beats public television).
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan19) Don’t wear a cap unless you plan to taunt squirrels. Tonight: battery run devices loom large in your love-life.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb18) Avoid extravagance. If you see the worked extravagance in a public place, kill it. Try not to worry about your poofy hair.
Pisces (Feb9-March19) File harassment charges against a random stranger. Improve your tennis game at the expense of others.