Miami, Fla— The Department of Environmental Protection is banning their employees from the words ‘climate change’ and ‘global warming.’ Always ready to create a better life through relabeling, conservatives are rethinking their strategy to fight Mother Nature. The Governor of Florida, Rick Scott, explained, “You can say any of those words but just not together. You can say, like, the climate is warm today and I have to change into shorts. Stuff like that is fine. We just need to keep some distance between those politically charged words.”
When asked, “Why?” the Governor explained, “I do not approve of Obama’s handling of radical Islam, but this model can actually work when addressing coastal flooding. Why needlessly radicalize countless otherwise moderate water molecules? Water is harmless unless it coordinates and gathers into great radicalized waves. Tidal terrorism might just be one of the greatest threats our country faces. Oceanic extremists threaten our very way of life here and what is Florida without our bitches? Sorry, I mean beaches.”
When asked if there would be any associated fines or consequences for saying the words C****** C****, the Governor said, “Look, if you have to use those words together, like some liberal teacher gives a homework assignment, firstly, I would report that. But, in the interest of a grade for a particular class, at least use quotes around the words. This implies it’s bullshit. I am not planning fines or jail time for anyone who mentions these forbidden terms, but no options are off the table. We want folks to just exercise common sense, while avoiding said common sense.”
Currently the Department of Environmental Protection is planning to follow this mandate, but some former DEP workers are speaking out. “As a climatologist, I like to say those words together to explain large weather patterns and changing systems.”
Governor Scott said, “See? You did that without mentioning those words. Strong work! Some think I’m way off base but, hell, so is my base. Besides, if we lose the expected 30% of our beaches in the coming decades there will no longer be enough sand for republicans to bury their heads in. Not on my watch.”
