Eternal Damnation, Probably

Dave Atsals

I, Dave Atsals, just got told by another man donning a white collar that I am slated for Hell. His exact words were, “No amount of Hail Marys or good deeds will get you out of this one, Dave.” This marks strike four and, as far as priests go, I guess that’s the magic number. So I’ll be burning, burning, burning, like that Johnny Cash song. So let’s list my four unforgivable acts of unsaintliness (note to editor: please check if that’s a real word).

Act 1:  Alter Falter (which is also Charley Manson’s Next Album)

Place:  My friend Steve’s wedding, Hackensack, NJ

Year:  1994

Circumstance:  They had alter girls at the wedding and after settling in at the table to enjoy the reception festivities, we began discussing this fact.  I soon offered my opinion, “The Church probably felt more comfortable with the little girls around the priests than the little boys.”  I knew I had a problem as I watched Mick Zano’s cringing facial expression.  He motioned over my shoulder and, when I turned around, the priest who presided over the wedding ceremony was in the chair directly behind me.

This conversation then commenced:

Dave:  Am I going to hell for this?

Priest:  probably.

Act II:  And The Lord Said Let There Be…Crap

Place:  The Genetti Hotel, Williamsport, Pa.

Year:  1998.

Circumstance:  The maintenance department was checking the fuses because they where not labeled.  They were shutting off all the power in the hotel and then turning the fuses back on, one by one, so they could label the newly installed panel box.  I was working at the time and figured this would be a great time to hit the can.  While using the urinal, in the dark, a man walked in next to me and shined a light on his crotch. Figuring it was the other maintenance man, I said, “Hugh, I didn’t need a light to find mine in the dark.”

Just as I said this the lights came on. Not only could I see the man next to me using the urinal, I could see his white collar of priesthood. 

Dave:  Am I going to hell for this?

Priest:  Probably.

Act III:  Use Jugs Not Drugs

Place:  The First Church of Christ

Year:  2000

Circumstance:  I was a bartender at the time period and got to bartend at the big Mardi Gras Celebration.  The Mardi Gras Celebration in Williamsport is known for topless women who often love to pose with their bartenders.  I got to be in several of these, my favorite of which was with a woman aptly named Jugs.  She posed by laying one of each of her…um, you know, on each of my shoulders.  I was in heaven at the time.  So there go 15 of the disposable camera’s 24 pictures. The last nine of which I took at my son’s first Holy Communion.

I guess you can see where this is going… 

My wife developed the pictures not knowing that I did not take them all at church.  She even shared them unknowingly with Father Pete.  As I saw her doing this I made a mad dash towards them just in time to hear the priest say, “Look at those…um, you know.”

Dave:  Am I going to hell for this?

Father Pete:  Probably.

Act IV:  Blessed Are The Steelers

[Winslow: IIII is not a Roman numeral, Dave]

Place:  Annunciation Church

Year:  not sure.

Circumstance:  At his first holy confessional my son told the priest he had sinned because, “My father told me I did.”  He explained that when he had recently tried to watch cartoons on Thanksgiving I had told him it was in the Bible that you had to watch football on Thanksgiving. His grandfather later confirmed this important nugget of wisdom and even claimed it was from the book of Genesis.  While being stopped by the priest on the way out and lectured about this misguided information the conversation went like this:

Dave:  Am going to hell for this?

Priest:  Probably.

Well, there you have it folks, four strike…four strikes and you’re bound for hell. Well, probably.

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