A Victory for Gun Owners or for Gun Sellers?

Mick Zano

The truth is elusive these days, but thank goodness you all have a spoof news blogger to rely on for your information. I received considerable backlash from my liberal friends recently when I warned Obama about attempting any form of gun control. I suggested, rather adamantly here, to avoid the whole thing unless he called it the Let’s Only Disarm Progressive Liberals Act or some such.

Yes, the Republicans are only protecting the Constitution for their perceived in-group members, aka, they don’t remotely understand the Constitution (see: the Patriot Act). In this cultural context, I realized the sheer number of illiterate Nugentinians out there would derail any such efforts, no matter how common-sensical or benign. Usually the Republicans are the ones who miss these social cues, but the prez didn’t read the tea party leaves correctly on this one. I don’t get the sense Obama really understands who he is dealing with yet. Like Cheney before him, he only seems to be watching the favorable press these days.

If you recall, I couldn’t bring myself to support Obamacare either. You won’t hear this from the GOP, because it’s true, but out-of-control healthcare costs is one of the biggest problems facing the middle class and small business owners today. We certainly need something like the Affordable Care Act but, my concern remains, how do we implement such a thing during a very fragile recovery? I also agree with Republicans on this much: I don’t have a whole lot of confidence in supersized bureaucracies. I work in one and it makes Sean Hannity seem like Lex Luther. Other countries can pull off universal healthcare, but we’re fast becoming a country of the ‘very special’ variety. Ultimately, I think we’ll get there but it’s going to be messy, Lindsay Lohan messy. And, regardless of the details, it will never pass muster on the Right. They will cite every poor person’s death as some Obamacare nightmare. I can see the Drudge headlines now:

Obamacare Strikes Again: Man Dies on Medical Floor after Being Denied Procedure!

Never mind that in Matt Drudge’s world the same man would have died in the lobby, after failing to be admitted for lack of funding. And, not to mention, that kind of thing already happens every hour in America.

Dear GOP,

Valid points…isn’t it time you made some?



Similarly, I warned Obama about even mentioning gun control. My reasoning then was:

A. It’s not the right time amidst this environment of fear and ignorance.

B. If forced to a vote, such a bill might purge even more moderates from our red states, and why accelerate the GOP’s radicalism?

C. Like a certain Cardinals quarterback, it won’t pass.

Forget gun rights for the moment, Mr. Obama, we need to be focusing all of our energy on avoiding a double dip recession—an event I called immanent some time ago. I’d really like to be proven wrong on this one.

Here’s the 2nd Amendment coo coo roll call:

Due to a delicate balance of ignorance, lobbyists, and propaganda, there’s a very small but vocal percentage of our population who believes it’s essential we arm our criminally insane with loaded Uzis. This minority is well-funded and well-represented in Congress. After all, that was the founding father’s vision, right? It makes sense…in the same way Jesus only wanted his followers to protect embryos and stem cells, not people. And even more disturbing, this is the same group that won’t fund any of these Uzi-toter’s Haldol injections.

Bumper sticker alert:

Make Guns Not Haldol

—The NRA (in conjunction with James Holmes, Adam Lanza, and Jared Loughner)

“I’m not blaming the guns, I’m blaming the greedy assholes who make the guns.”

—Mick Zano

So how does the only armed group die out, you ask? Well, here’s my scenario:

The Republican dies during a shootout with a Charlie Manson type while I’m hiding safely in a nearby tree. I don’t underestimate firearms, but the GOP always seems to underestimate avoidant pacifism.

Obama nailed it last week when he endorsed Mental Health First Aid. This training, started in Australia, teaches folks how to identify a psychiatric emergency, as well as the subsequent DOs and DON’Ts while encouraging the individual to seek professional help. Living in Arizona during Loughner’s rampage, I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if someone earlier in his life had pointed him toward the nearest mental health center. I’m talking to you Marcus Bachmann.

Admittedly, I haven’t been doing well when it comes to handling Republicans. I keep challenging their delusions, which is a big MHFA no no. So instead of poking more fun today, here’s a national hotline 1-800-GOP-HEAL.

Most of our killing sprees have more to do with our underfunded mental health system and our ignorance of mental health disorders than any political affiliation. Both sides have been shameless on this point and, as usual, each party can only seem to recognize the other side’s hypocrisy.

“Normally, terrorists tend to be to the far right.”

—Chris Mathews, MSNBC

The Boston bombing occurred because: “Obama is disengaging from the Middle East.”

—Brian Kilmeade, Fox News

And, yes, it’s another case of dumb and dumber. Chris Mathews quote goes against my understanding of spiral dynamics as liberalism tends to attract more terrorists, but then not to be out-dumbed:

“The fact Fox News is still allowed to comment on foreign policy issues is a testament to our 1st Amendment rights; the fact people still listen to them on this topic is a testament to our stupidity.”

—Mick Zano

On the flipside, there’s a growing number of libs who believe no one but the army and the police should own firearms. These are the Michael Moore’s of the world and I am sorry to say one of my heroes, Bill Maher, is among them. Both of these views are equally absurd. I think the majority of our country is wrong on this issue.

Now let’s add to our tally those who are too young or too disinterested to care about gun rights and we find, sadly, only about four people in the U.S. are making sense on this issue. So if my math is correct, the Ryan Budget works! (Ha, ha, ha…kidding). But, what it does mean is the majority of this country is seriously 2nd Amendmently impaired. This includes our president, who should have taken my advice and gone golfing instead.

Hearing the GOP complain…well, it’s like having the head of your local Home Owner’s Association sporting a car graveyard on their front lawn. Fix yourselves first, or stop commenting about my unkempt hedges!

Or, as The Ghetto Shaman put it:

“I’m just growing them out so I can eventually shape them into a middle finger, bitches.”

—The Ghetto Shaman

A recent Gallup poll found only 4% of the country believes gun control is our number one issue. Of course, this was immediately translated by the batshit Right as:

“Only 4% of the county thinks gun control is important.”

—The Batshit Right

Yeah, I guess there’s only one topic allowed per administration. Hell, I wouldn’t even place gun control as the most important issue of our time, but is Gallup the problem? No. It’s the people who immediately distort the meaning. This isn’t about some Huffington Post interpretation of an issue three months later, this is about the systematic and blatant misconstruing of any given study, topic, or event before the ink even dries.

So CNS—the stepson of the Media Research Center, who I creamed last week here—read this Gallup question, What do you think is the most important issue facing the country today? and they came up with this headline:

Who’s watching the Watchmen?
Who’s watching the Watchmen?

Gallup: Only 4% of Americans Think Gun Control is an Important Problem.

CNS is not alone, dozens of websites now have it framed this way. I don’t even know which was first. I can’t find nearly this much flagrant misrepresentation of facts on the Left. It’s as if Democrats alone have cornered the market on something called reading comprehension.

Fact: 90% of our country favors background checks, or as Bill Maher put it, “Even some of the people who wouldn’t pass a background check are in favor of background checks.” This 90% number came from something called Politifact.com, not delusionalGOP.org.

Which brings me to this point: the GOP came late to the internet, they came late to Facebook, hell, they came late to just about everything…but if I were forced to decide on the most pressing issue facing our country, it would be the dire need for the Republican Party to reform. Why, you ask? Because information on the Right starts on Fox News and degenerates faster than the Ghetto Shaman at a bacchanal. In other words, if left unchecked, it effects every other topic. We can no longer afford to look through this Republican fun house mirror before addressing each and every issue!


But, on the issue of gun control, the Left annoys me as much as the Right. There are tons of good reasons to protect our 2nd Amendment:

  1. Overturning it in its entirety is never going to happen and is not even advisable.
  2. People have the right to hunt and skeet and continue any number of other related hobbies.
  3. People have the right to protect their families and property. Home invasions are not fun.
  4. It would be a real issue if we handed over every gun in the country, and here’s why:

Number four needs some explaining. When a Republican says, “I don’t trust the government enough to hand over my gun” the Left has been dismissing this with something akin to:

“The government has drones. If you try to take on the government you’ll be blown to smithereens.”

There are a number of future possibilities for our country and most of them are not rosy. Let’s say we go broke and no one is paying the military anymore, so it disbands. What then? Do we really want to be one of the only easily occupiable countries on the planet? What about a great cataclysm that leaves parts of the world defenseless or isolated? Do liberals really think there’s no chance of our government going completely bankrupt, or completely Dr. Evil? Or what if the unthinkable happens and our military is somehow defeated? I am afraid we are moving into a time of great instability (for other unstable time periods see: Earth History).

Here’s some other reasons:

  1. An invasion of radioactively enlarged bugs. THEM! THEM!
  2. An invasion of radioactively involved reptiles (you get the idea).
  3. A Zombie apocalypse
  4. A Bachmann Administration
  5. A Palin Administration (you get the idea).
  6. A Twilight marathon. Believe me, I would need a gun.

If we survive long enough, we will gradually become a more peaceful species. But that is not the case today, not by a long shot (pardon the pun).

The two most likely scenarios for our future demise are:

  1. Climate Change Related Upheavals (CCRUs).
  2. A revolution fueled by our increasing disparity of wealth.

So, yet again, the Republicans aren’t even discussing these. But, if and when a revolution does occur, a firearm may come in handy…especially during Twilight: Breaking Dawn. That one was the worst.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.