Washington, DC—As part of a long standing White House tradition, President Barack Obama pardoned two turkeys earlier this week, but this year the story triggered a chain of convoluted events. The turkey pardoned last year was euthanized only a few days ago, which many are calling “suspicious”. Now, no one knows the whereabouts of this year’s pardoned turkeys.
Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta said, “We know one bird is dead and the other two absconded. There is thus far no known link between these events. The missing pair did not ‘pop a cap in the ass’ of the other bird, and they are not terrorists. The dead bird was named Peace. I have never ordered a drone strike on someone named Peace, or Joy, or Paradise.”
Panetta would not discuss the other missing birds, which has led some scandal-happy republicans to extrapolate. Radio anti-personality, Rush Limbaugh, said, “These turkeys should not have been pardoned. Look, if someone kills and eats everyone else in your family, are you going to be friendly to that country? What was Obama thinking?”
Congressman Trent Franks (R-AZ) said, “These turkeys are obviously Muslims and follow Sharia Law. Just look at the picture! That bird is obviously wearing some type of veil. I can’t even see its beak. I believe we’re facing an avian threat greater than H1N1, and Obama has unleashed its wrath on America!”
Congresswoman Michele Bachmann added, “Do you think it’s a coincidence Obama allowed a breeding pair of Muslim extremists to just waddle out of the White House? This is an intelligence failure on par with…what was that other shit we made up last week?”
Other theories from the Republican Senate involve the Muslim Butterballhood, a group of alien human hybirds, as well as, our personal favorite, the allegation that one turkey sexted the other, less talked about twin from the Petreaus scandal.
President Obama assured the press, “If those turkeys do anything to harm anyone, the cluck stops here.”