Jesus to be Brought Before Grand Jury in Church Abuse Case

Jesus to be Brought Before Grand Jury in Church Abuse Case

Vatican City, um, Vatican City – According to Discord sources, Jesus Christ, alias “Dave,” was recently issued a subpoena in the ongoing Catholic Church child molestation investigation. As the “Christ” figure in the “Vicar of Christ” moniker, he is being painted as the kingpin of an organized child molestation community.

“’Suffer the little children cum unto me [Luke 18:16]’? I think that says it all,” stated Hymie Fez, Chief Lawsuit Filer. “On top of that, he’s the guy that appointed that Pope…um…accomplice.”

At a minimum, the Savior is in grave danger of losing his position as hiring manager.

The Discord’s own Cokie McGrath, did some seedy investigation and turned up some publicly known evidence. Apparently Jesus and his alleged father were behind a series of nine, mass ride-through slashings beginning in 1095.

“We also have him tied to some 278,000 counts of the sale of indulgences,” said Fez. “Imagine a guy in his position being stupid enough to get into petty number-running.”

The FBI, in conjunction with Interpol, are setting up a series of sting operations in order to capture this fiend. Every month there is a landslide of reports of pictures of the culprit in places like potato chips, cheese sandwiches, and insane asylums, but the Lord is proving to be evasive. This has led to the formation of vigil-ente patrols.

“We get leads from the media,” remarked  Wil Gettum, leader of the vigil-ente organization. “We hear that he’ll be in town every now and then. Cosmic alignments, comet-passings, and big-shit droppings all bring in a lot of reports. But he has yet to show himself.”

Until concrete evidence comes to light, the vigil-ente community will be spending a lot of time in church.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.