The Goonification of Lovecraft: Why Universal Pictures is Dead to Me

Mick Zano

Hey Universal Pictures, H.P. Lovecraft is not a Goonies movie!  Since we have been a little Cthulhu-heavy lately here at the Discord, we must mention our insane—clawing at our own entrails—disappointment in the decision to cancel Guillermo Del Toro’s version of At the Mountains of Madness.  Universal insisted Del Toro make this 150-million dollar horror extravaganza with a PG-Rating.  Have you ever read any Lovecraft, Mr. Universal dude? You would have better luck making Shaving Ryan’s Privates a bleeping G-Rating!  …which, by the way, was a really important film in its own right.

No doubt, Universal is trying to universally rook more money out of the general populous. And, because of this, I am at the very Mountains of Madness myself right now.  I have conjured up both an Old One and a Deep One in your honor, Mr. Universal dude.  That’s Cthulhu talk for “I fart in your general direction, you sons of a Hollywood person.” 

By the way, the Mountains of Madness do differ slightly from the Cliffs of Insanity, but there is some shared mythical geology somewhere, I’m sure.   I have said for years we need a real Lovecraft movie.  Whereas I have enjoyed some of these cheap low budget extravaganzas, most of them were done not so much with a blue screen as a blue crayon.  Most of these attempts, nay, all of these attempts did not capture the true essence of Lovecraft.  You know, that lichen-covered, ancient ruins of Unknown Kadath all dripping with Old One atmosphere kind of thing.  I want a movie almost exuding with the smell of rotting flesh and rotting vegetation…no, I’m not talking about Spy Kids 4 (although, that should get honorable mention).

Most Lovecraft adaptations have left me feeling like ripping out my own eyeballs…and not in a good way.  Lovecraft is arguably the master of horror, so how did you expect Del Toro to introduce entrail-ripping insanity to the youngens? I realize they have Cthulhu beanie babies, but I still think you’re missing a few steps there, Sunshine.  It’s like Universal is trying to reduce Cthulhu to the God of paper cuts or something. “Oh the darkness, the madness, it’s making me want to poke myself repeatedly with this stapler! Ouch, ouch.  Oh the humanity! Ouch.”  Give me a break. 

This could have been one of the movies of a lifetime, instead of Universal’s attempt to turn it into a Lifetime movie.  But someone still needs to do this.  Either Universal needs to let Del Toro work his R-rated magic or someone else needs to pick up the tentacled torch.  Del Toro could have made this a true movie event, an epic not seen since Frankenhooker (which, by the way, you should consider making a sequel of as well). 

Letting this movie slither by is a monstrously large missed opportunity, pardon the pun.  It’s an insult no one has made a Peter Jackson/Tim Burton type attempt at Lovecraft.  In the age of endless repeats from Adam’s Family VII to Adam’s Family: The Next Generation, I think it’s time to take the plunge into the eschatological mind-fuck that is H.P. Lovecraft.  If done correctly, this movie will leave you feeling like…well, I think this picture sums it up nicely:

If done the way Universal Pictures wanted it done, ummm, I think those Photoshoppers over at the Discord said it best:

Squidthulhu!

Hold the phone…Tom Cruise was supposed to be in it!?  Why wasn’t I told?  How about calling it At the Casting of Madness?  Geesh.  Never mind, perhaps all is for the best. 

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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