Washington, DC—Earlier today a shipment of methampethamine with an estimated 26K street value arrived at the headquarters of Special Prosecutor Rober Mueller. The stimulants were sent to his 17-lawyer team presumably in an effort to speed things up a bit. Mueller told the press today that he is very grateful for the gesture, but when he finds some time he vows to get to the bottom of who sent the illicit substances and prosecuting them to the fullest extent of the law.

Mueller told our own Cokie McGrath today, “When I say I have assembled a crack team of legal professionals, that’s only an expression. We only use over-the-counter pick me ups at my office and sometimes coffee. We are usually just stocked with milk. We are going to continue to work as fast as we can, because we understand the gravity of the situation. We are hoping to wrap thing up and have all the indictments filed before the pending nuclear armagedeon, well, mostly.”

Donald Trump is questioning the special prosecutor’s side of ths story and wonders if this is all some attempt to cover up illegal goings-on under his watch: