Tucson, AZ—Philippe Gonzales received his results from Ancestry.com and he was “shocked” to discover he’s 80% Mexican. Despite being born in Mexico in a Mexican family, Mr. Gonzales has identified as a white Aryan supremacist for most of his life. He spends much of his time traveling between Walmart home and garden centers and white supremacist rallies. Yesterday, after much self-debate, he vowed to take matters into his own hands. Without a word to his family Mr. Gonzales wrestled himself into his Ford Bronco at gunpoint and drove himself to the Mexican border at gunpoint. Once there he forced himself over the wall and into Mexico with strict self-instructions never to return.
Mr. Gonzales friends, all torch-carrying members of the the Teutonic Trump Tiki Train (TTT, one T is silent), have mixed feelings about the incident. One of his friends, who wished to remain anyonmous said, “I wish the hateful guy who we love to hang with could stay and we could just deport the browner aspects of our friend, but there’s no way to do that. His Ancestry.com piece came back 20% English and 10% unkown. We could have worked with that, but the other two thirds came back Hispanic, which is a problem. We’ve thought about it, but the bottom line is hate, is hate, is hate. We can’t mess with one of our core values. Had he stuck around we would have had a big shin-dig for him, before the obligatory sheet party, of course. You know those, we throw our sheet and then throw one over him without holes and let the good times roll.”