Toronto—The National Hockey League has announced their decision to do away with their standard 82 game regular season in favor of “jumping right to the good part,” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.
When asked what prompted the NHL’s decision to make such a drastic schedule change, Bettman replied, “The players are still being Crosbys and I’m not dealing with their shit anymore. Besides, this is going to give me nearly a 10-month vacation each year. Wouldn’t you do that if you could? Yeah, you would.”
When questioned how teams will make the playoffs, Bettman said, “The playoff schedule will be determined based on stats from last year during a fantasy-hockey-style selection process run by the league. This has already occurred and we will be releasing the results to the public as early as next week. Hell, we can pass out Lord Stanley by Christmas so I can be back in Barbados by New Year’s.”
Reports suggest the teams who made the playoffs are excited for the October start and those who were eliminated are suing the National Hockey League for lost revenue.