How I Learned to Stop Worrying About Global Warming and Learned to Love the Sun

L. Wolfe

The global computer model supports the notion of an array of “natural” factors contributing to climate change, such as solar fluctuations, fluctuations in the earth’s magnetic field, fluctuations in volcanic activity, and flatulations in a little understood process of planetary gas emissions known as Earth Fart (  For more on this subject see my beer-reviewed journal article entitled Earth, Earth, the Magical Fruit.

Our current climate computer model accurately predicted a relatively short-term cooling period after the major volcanic eruption of Krakatoa in the 1800s, when the Earth, as science records it, “really ripped one.”  Since the 1800s, the computer model has not done so well.  In fact, there is a significant point of departure around the mid-twentieth century, when the model actually predicts a mild cooling trend; whereas actual data shows a substantial acceleration in warming over that same period.  Here’s the clincher: the scientists then added the input of greenhouse gases from human activities since 1850.  With that addition, once again, it predicts a global warming trend that closely follows the empirical data.  Hmmm. Perhaps Al Gore isn’t Satan (just one of his demonic helpers).

Unfortunately, it’s pretty clear that humans aren’t going to stop pumping greenhouse gasses into the atmosphere any time in the near future—to say nothing of residual Earth toot (RET).  We probably won’t see an end to such industrial emissions in our lifetimes—especially, if our lifetimes are significantly shortened by global warming (running rings round you logically).  With the population of India and China growing, with the energy demands of those countries skyrocketing, with the Kyoto Accord in the shitter, and a mongo leadership vacuum in America (MLV), this warming trend is likely to continue.  That means all of those bad things you hear about: glacier recession, sea levels rising, an Al Gore candidacy, or even (gasp) a It Could Happen Tomorrow sequel could actually happen tomorrow.  We may face droughts, storms, plagues, bad sit-coms, dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria! And, yes, Ted Turner may resort to cannibalism, but only due to an age-related neurological disorder.

But does anyone ever talk about the good side of global warming?  Is there a good side?  Better global warming than global cooling, wouldn’t you agree?  I mean, who chooses the poles for their vacation getaway?  What’s it gonna be? Edmonton, Alberta or Daytona Beach, Florida?   (hockey fans are, no doubt, going to be the outliers in this poll.) Besides, most people on Earth never see the arctic or the Antarctic in their entire lifetime.  So what if it’s gone?  You want to see penguins, go to Pittsburgh.  Intercourse the penguin!

A great HD documentary aired recently called “Planet Earth”, and they took some impressive footage of the place.  That’s good enough for me.  Now, no one need fly to the top or bottom of the earth, wasting all that nasty fossil fuel.  I can simply turn on my HD TV, plop in a DVD, sit in my air conditioned home, and wa la’.  So what if it’s a few degrees hotter outside?  That’s what the temperature gauge on my air conditioner is for.  Sure, you can do all those calculations to determine what the “carbon footprint” is for my Fat Ass sitting in my comfy chair (made in China with all those chemicals, transported on a diesel-burning ship to the U.S., and sent on a diesel truck or diesel-electric train from San Francisco—my chair not my ass—which is made in America), eating McDonald’s food (made with beef grown on a clear-cut rain forest farm in South America, fed with growth hormones, flatulating all that methane [a much more effective greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide by the way] and shipped on diesel-burning vehicles to my local McDonald’s), in my air conditioned home (using those ozone-depleting chemicals, running on electricity generated by coal-burning power plants [48.9%], natural gas [20%], nuclear [19.3%], or other [11.8%]), watching a DVD (made from petroleum), on an HD TV (made in China and shipped on diesel-burning vehicles).  OK, I admit that was a run on sentence, but my grammar may also be impacted by climate change.  Thus the origins of the made for TV movie.,it Coul’d Happens; Next-Week…?

Here’s what “they” won’t tell you.  The benefits of global warming:

  1. More sunny beaches.
  2. New coastlines.
  3. More bikinis.
  4. More boat drinks.
  5. More unwanted pregnancies (oh, wait: please delete).
  6. No more salt on northern roadways fouling streams and lakes.
  7. A free and clear Northwest Passage (the holy grail of commerce to the far east [read – China], which everyone has been searching for since before Columbus’ time and which everyone will need in the future since China will make EVERYTHING we want to buy.
  8. On a related note, shorter trade routes from China equals less boats sinking with hazardous lead based toys.
  9. An archaeological boom once the glaciers recede, giving us access to archaeological sites, relics, and frozen thunderbirds, wooly tadpoles, and pre-cambrian shit goblins—a cryptozoolgists wet dream (literally).
  10. New beach-front property (buy it now, its cheap, some of the most depressed and crime-ridden parts of several major U.S. cities will become prime beach-front crime scenes).
  11. Greenland.  It will finally be green again!  If those poor Vikings had only held out 500 more years….
  12. More bikinis.
  13. Putting an end to the iceberg menace will allow the Titanic to finally have its’ revenge.  Live, Rose, live!

I could go on and on (and have)—thank goodness for editors—so slip into that bikini girls and don’t think global extinction, guys, think global erection!

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