The Daily Discord has ordered a freeze on any further adolescent humor on this site. Toilet humor, inappropriate pranks, and hurtful juvenile gags are all hereby eradicated from this e-zine. Evolution is real, so surely this fine publication can evolve as well. But with this proclamation comes a warning, for if it does not improve in this area, I will no longer be a regular contributor (Pthtthhht). Oh come on! Edit that out, Winslow. Damn you!
“We are of one mind with Mr. Wolfe on this one,” said CEO Pierce Winslow. “We pledge to end adolescent humor on our site, in all of its nefarious forms. We really need to curb future usage of fart jokes, fecal matter, breast (or breastises), obscene bodily functions, and other forms of adolescent humor in order to maintain a higher level of journalistic integrity. This is part of why Zano has been given his notice. These moves are all part of our New Deal. Take the Ghetto Shaman,” added Winslow.
When asked how he would like to finish that thought, he said, “I did. I meant, take him. He’s a drunken bum and I’m tired of paying the bail bondsmen to get him out of the Pokey.”
Discord contributor, Pokey McDooris, was unavailable for comment.
“We want our blog, e-zine thingie to be more like The Waltons…on acid,” said the Ghetto Shaman. When questioned about his own raunchy take on enlightenment, such as his Tao of Skullfucking, the Shaman responded with a wet raspberry. “And you can quote me on that, bitch.”
The Discord’s comedic ranking system (CRS) has placed us on about the 13-yr old humor scale. We are concerned, if we fall any lower on this scale, all smell will break loose.
“We could lose our current audience in favor of the pre-teen crowd, or tweens, or on particularly bad days, toddlers. And let’s face it, our youth are flat broke these days. We can’t afford to cut into our funding stream at this point.
The Discord believes they have found a successful comedic formula—something between PG-13 and X that maximizes our audience base.
“At the end of the day, we really are a family oriented humor site,” continued Winslow. “Minus the occasional skullfucking. Where else can a 13-year old boy and his 30-something dad go on the internet these days and enjoy some quality time together? Sure, they could find some other websites to peruse when mom’s not around, but, frankly, we represent the edge of appropriateness (EOA).”
When asked if this was just another publicity stunt, Winslow stated, “A what? No, we’re committed to carrying this through. We need to start somewhere and while some folks may say ‘the cat’s out of the bag’ or ‘it’s like closing the barn door when the horses are already gone’, we’d like to say ‘we’ll keep our barn door wide open in hopes that the pussy will return.’”
When asked about the future of the Discord under this adolescent humor freeze, Winslow said, “We expect it will expand our audience base globally. For example, China and India have huge potential. Just last month we got six hits from Mumbai! We’re quite sure there are plenty of degenerates over there we still haven’t reached. If we can capture just a small fraction of those sick bastards, look out Onion! By the way, Humor Links has us rated higher than The Onion under Spoof News. But we don’t like to brag….THE FUCK WE DON’T! Oh, we also don’t like to curse anymore. TO HECK WE DON’T, BITCHES.”
Ahhh….we’re a work in progress. Well, there you have it, folks, right from the horse’s mouth. This is L. Wolfe signing off from— (Pththhhtht). Damn you, Winslow!