Hung, Beaten, Impaled Iranian Nuclear Scientist’s Death Deemed Suicide

L. Wolfe

The Iranian State news organization Islamic Republic News Agency (IRNA) concluded that Iranian nuclear scientist Shahram Amiri committed suicide last month in Tehran by impaling himself on a light pole while handcuffed.

According to IRNA, Amiri had recently escaped U.S. CIA agents after being kidnapped in 2009 while on a religious pilgrimage.  IRNA reported that Amiri has been subjected to repeated mental and physical torture at the hands of the CIA over the past year, and was apparently “extremely pleased” to be back home. 

“Yes, yes, it is very unfortunate thing that has happened to Amiri,” noted Javad Jahangirzadeh, a member of Iranian parliament’s National Security and Foreign Policy Commission (NSFPXJ).

Amiri apologized to the Great Satan, American media, as Iran does not have the lousy acronym joke thing down yet.

Jahangirzadeh went on to say, “Amiri must have suffered much from CIA mental torture, and see what has come of it?  He has killed himself.  It is all the CIA and U.S.’s fault, like global warming and alternate street parking.”

Alternate street parking is apparently an affront to Allah.  It is a deep belief in the more radical Muslim regions that most parking customs in the U.S. are the work of the devil.

“We keep getting tickets for this mysterious street sweeper, yet we never see this beast of a thousand scrubbers.”

According to those who discovered the body, Amiri had managed to climb to the top of a light pole in an open park in downtown Iran and impaled himself.

“Amazing to see how CIA agents drove him to this extreme act,” said Jahangirzadeh. “Amiri handcuffed his hands behind his back, beat himself over the head with a crowbar, then climbed all the way to the top of that light pole and eventually impaled himself.  There was no ladder, no way to get up there other than to climb while handcuffed. What determination!  We are calling him Hamidini in honor of your devil-worshipping magician Houdini: may the fleas of a thousand camels infest his rotting armpits.”

To date, the body of Amiri has not been removed from the light pole.

Jahangirzadeh was quoted as saying, “We will leave him there.  This way, the American CIA agents in this country can see what they have done to our Islamic brother and that will teach them.  Allah be with you, my brother.  May your 72 virgins keep that smile upon your face and that noose from your neck.  American bastards!  Oh, and beware of the beast of a thousand scrubbers.  And in the immortal words of your folk singer, Bob ‘Death to America’ Dylan, ‘watch the parking meters.’”

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