Krauthammer V Zano: The Hawk-Spank Redemption

Krauthammer V Zano: The Hawk-Spank Redemption
Mick Zano

This is a rebuttal of some recent discussion by Fox News’s, Dr. Charles Krautwanker (that’s not name calling! There is considerable evidence he wanks his kraut, or is hammered when he…). Anyway, this is a version of Dr. Lautyammer’s recent speech (that’s a typo, honest). So in all fairness to Dr. K, the snopeputians may have augmented his rhetoric (aka, they may have added some pink slime filler to the usual USDA prime choice Foxaganda).

Here’s Krauthammer’s main points, my comments marked with a bold and beautiful MZ:

Points 1 and 2 praise President Obama’s political prowess, so we are in agreement.

Krauthammer’s 3rd point: Obama has a ruthless quest for power. He did not come to Washington to make something out of himself but rather to change everything, including dismantling capitalism. He can’t be straight forward on his ambitions, as the public would not go along. He has a heavy hand and wants to level the playing field with income redistribution and punishment to the achievers of society. He would like to model the USA to Great Britain or Canada.

MZ: Ummm, he ran on change, Dr. Truthlittle (…and legend says, children, Dr. Truthlittle could speak to the Garanimals). You’re saying he’s a politician on a “ruthless quest for power.” What a stretch there, Captain Obvious. He’s actually the first worldcentric minded prez. I’ve covered this phenomenon here. So ruthless may prove a poor choice of words, though eerily accurate for the first 43 of his ethnocentric predecessors. Dude…you were, like, sooo close.

As for dismantling capitalism, unfortunately, an overhaul is in order. Isn’t it funny the Right thinks our system is still in pristine condition? Yeah, like the East River pristine. It’s glacier fed, really…well, 10,000 years ago. Capitalism has unfortunately morphed into something called Super Capitalism, which is based on the needs of the sociopathic few. By the way, this happened while you were busy defending every aspect of it, Mr. Groutlicker. Obama has at least identified how when one player suddenly owns all the property, hotels, and houses it’s Maddoffopoly! The free market works sometimes, but to think it works all the time is more of that all-or-none thinking. There are things the private sector does better (hat tip Tea Party) but too often they’re greedy and sociopathic (hat tip Occupy). I really shouldn’t call it all-or-none thinking anymore as that implies thinking is involved, so let’s call it all-or-none regurgitating. Reverse politistalsis? Bullemia? Sorry. I’m still trying to make up for that Gospelrexia Versevosa joke in my last spirituality feature.

Krauthammer’s 4th point: His three main goals are to control ENERGY, PUBLIC EDUCATION and NATIONAL HEALTHCARE by the Federal government. He doesn’t care about the auto or financial services industries but got them as an early bonus. The cap and trade will add costs to everything and stifle growth. Paying for FREE college education is his goal. Most scary is his healthcare program because if you make it FREE and add 46,000,000 people to a Medicare-type single-payer system, the costs will go through the roof. The only way to control costs is with massive RATIONING of services, like in Canada .. God forbid!

MZ: Obama doesn’t care much for the auto industry? Yet he saved it just for chevys and giggles. Did you forget that part again? Damn facts. As for proof of Obama’s overt dismantling of capitalism…well, there isn’t any. And if there is, it’s sooo buried in lies you’d have better luck finding Al Capone’s vault in Snooki’s ass! Oh, I’m being told they just discovered Al Capone’s vault in Snooki’s ass. Bad example.

Why don’t you and your ilk learn how to report on stuff and gain some credibility and then maybe one of your “scandals” will stick. Naaah, keep lying. It will get Obama re-elected, which is better than the alternative. Oh, and those three systems you mentioned are broken…reaaally broken…Greece economy broken (GEB).

FACT ALERT (Fox News viewers read at your own peril):

National Healthcare:

The increase in Medicare recipients is the only meat to this entire clusterfuck to facts. I will benefit from this eventuality circa 2014, but it smells like enabling to me and I’m not sure how we can fund the increase in enrollments or even if they’re medically necessary. On that note, I have approved the collective Republican lobotomy. Sorry, I’m being told the procedure is redundant.

But, hey, a point! This almost never happens. He is an intellect…well, comparatively. But would a Foxeteer ever disagree with something that would cost them money? Why didn’t Foxeteers back Ron Paul before it was fab? Oh, you want answers…they don’t have any.

You know who would vote against their wallets on the Right? Not f-ing one of them and that’s why they’re invariably dangerous. Yeah, I want to join that party…oh wait, they don’t get invited to any. Fiscal conservatives, my ass. 


I back Obama’s attempt at sustainable energy. China over funded their own solar plants and killed the Solyndra thing. We can’t give up on these sustainable plans or plants. Your scandal is one of my solyutions. As for Crap and Turd, I would have preferred a gas tax to level the playing field. But whatever it takes. Sooo you haven’t even identified that something needs to be done? Of course not. That would require forethought. The Left has thus far botched the approach to green energies while the Right hasn’t even identified the problem. Thus I give you dumb and dumber. They are special, aren’t they? We either move to what scientists are suggesting or at some point a full collapse is imminent. The choice is clear. And sorry, sustainable energy does not translate into drill baby drill, but, hey, I do like the beached dolphin slalom as much as the next guy. Thanks BP! Sand sushi anyone?  

What we need are new alternative cleaner energies, like Dilithium crystals. Haven’t heard of them? Don’t worry. There’s plenty on Gingrich’s moon base.


As for education, another fail. For proof, look in the mirror. I’m kidding, there are smart people out there, and they tend to get their news from comedians these days. I think education needs a major transformation, into something meaningful.

I would like to hear Obama’s education proposal. I would like to hear them…as opposed to the Conservative approach, which is defund, defund, defund. Brought to you by the Uneducated for Education!

Back to capitalism for a minute. In its current form, it sucks—your pride and joy is an epic fucking fail. Hey, it worked for a while…like Fukushima. But, as I’ve said all along, I am for repairing it, not dismantling it. You know what’s killing businesses? Trying and failing to insure their own employees, that’s what. If you kill Obamacare and fail to fix our insurance problem, we’re in big trouble. This awful scenario is likely to play out in the future.

Our system rewards sociopaths who refuse to insure their employees. Speaking of which, sociopaths must be identified and weeded out, not endlessly promoted by some greedy faceless board of directors. My take on this phenomenon here. My last two bosses complained about insurance killing them, not whatever the fuck the Right is talking about. Example, Wal-Mart insures 44% of its force, compared to Costco at 96%. And Costco will suffer for its humanity. The one percent rides again! But I do love the one percent’s kitchen store (Hannibal Lechters? It’s better than Buffalo Bill’s Wild Gumbs. OK, I’m going to stop….Silence of the Libs?).

Oh, and Mr. Burns probably doesn’t even insure his flying monkeys…and most of them, as Python tells us, don’t so much fly as plummet. Pining for the fjords?! Where is PETA on this real animal rights menace?

I know you love Wal-Mart, Cranko, so you better get that blue vest ready; you’re going to need it. Insurance sold separately. But don’t worry, who needs insurance when nearly half their jobs pay over minimum wage. What you call good business has been identified by behavioral health professionals as sociopathic. That isn’t good (hint: it’s the opposite of good). We need to start rewarding good behavior in this country. I have an idea, let’s keep the Mexicans and deport the Republicans.

Krauthammer’s 5th point: He [Obama] has surrounded himself with mostly far-left academic types. No one around him has ever even run a candy store. But they are going to try and run the auto, financial, banking and other industries. This obviously can’t work in the long run. Obama is not a socialist; rather he’s a far-left secular progressive bent on nothing short of revolution. He ran as a moderate but will govern from the hard left. Again, watch what he DOES, not what he says.

MZ: Unfortunately, these days the far left translates as slightly left of Reagan. The spectrum has shifted, but not in the way you think. And Mr. Obama’s handling of the candy store has been worlds better than your guy. W made Burton’s Willy Wonka seem stable. Everlasting GOPstoppers?

Oompa loompa doopa dee doo
I have another message for you
Spending and torture isn’t a game
Why must you vote for more of the same.

Do you think Bush and Nixon surrounded themselves with progressives? Usually the best man loses in our general elections. That’s nothing new. Remember Apple V. IBM, Beta V. VHS or Kerry V. Bush? So, don’t worry, there’s hope for Mr. Etch-a-Sketch. Where is the evidence of this revolution?

Krauthammer’s 6th point: Obama doesn’t really see himself as President of the United States but more as a ruler over the world. He sees himself above it all, trying to orchestrate & coordinate various countries and their agendas. He sees moral equivalency in all cultures. His apology tour in Germany and England was a prime example of how he sees America as an imperialist nation that has been arrogant, rather than a great noble nation that has at times made errors. This is the first President, ever , who has chastised our allies and appeased our enemies!

MZ: Actually, he prefers Master of the Universe. Luckily, his handlers refused to go with his first slogan idea: BY THE POWER OF GREY SKULL!!! Dude, he’s worldcentric. Obama has reached an impressive level of human consciousness. Hooray for progress! This is going to seem new and scary for many, but I assure you it’s much less scary than global collapses, torture, and secret police. We have reaped some benefits through his competent foreign policy. It looks like some progress on the checks and balances of the expanded executive branch is occurring under Obama (according to Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Time Weiner in his book FBI). He believes we’re swinging back to Constitutional sanity. Hey, why isn’t he booked on Hannity? Hmmmm.

I do agree it’s time to stop apologizing. Hey, just in time for the next guy we’ll need to start apologizing for! Cool. Why don’t you take your own advice Mr. Krapjammer and watch what Obama does not what he says?

“We are truly and deeply sorry for the inconvenience, Mr. Bin Laden.”

Krauthammer’s 7th point: He is now handing out goodies. He hopes that the bill (and pain) will not come due until after he is re-elected in 2012. He would like to blame all problems on Bush, from the past, and hopefully his successor in the future. He has a huge ego and Dr. Krauthammer believes he is a narcissist.

MZ: He may well be a narcissist. I’m not sure on this one, in which case he’s not truly worldcentric, but just posing as such. This one is a jump ball. Jesus, that’s two possible points in one lecture?! That’s equal to six months of Fox News viewing. But thus far the only evidence for Obama’s narcissism is the typical ‘I want to be president’ brand, not unlike Gingrich, Santorum, Romney, or anyone else who’s sought office for the last two centuries. As for blaming it on Bush, let’s do that pesky math again: five of the top six policies that cost us all of our treasure in the last decade are Bush’s. So, I guess to be fair, he’s only 5/6 of our policy problem. But, hey, that 1/6 is Obama’s attempt to avoid a depression. Socialist!

Krauthammer’s 8th point: Republicans are in the wilderness for a while but will emerge strong. Republicans are pining for another Reagan but there will never be another like him. Krauthammer believes Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty & Bobby Jindahl (except for his terrible speech in February) are the future of the party. Newt Gingrich is brilliant but has baggage. Sarah Palin is sincere and intelligent but needs to really be seriously boning up on facts and info if she is to be a serious candidate in the future. We need to return to the party of lower taxes, smaller government, personal responsibility, strong national defense and State’s Rights.

MZ: Deep in the wilderness? Dude, if they go any further into Mirkwood, I don’t think all the ents in entville could find them. Of course, I don’t think they’d even help you look. Another Reagan will not surface from this radical swamp. He would immediately be labeled a moderate and shunned by your batshit base. Reagan wasn’t really good for the economy. You’re just glossing up a turd. He raised taxes more than I would have liked and ran up the deficit way too much (not to mention secretly arming our soon to be enemies), so maybe he was too left of Obama? Foxeteers have moved so far to the Right, Cheney is starting to look like a Care Bear (the one with the rainbow coming out of his ass). The rest of us have only moved somewhat left out of pure disgust. In fact, I have moved further left after each and every news cycle as I recoil from this sickly Foxeteerian philosophy. Sigh-ilism? Wait, I got it, Transcend Mentalism? I’m going to work on that one.

As for your comment “Sarah Palin is sincere and intelligent”… Sir, please hand in your intellectual badge; it’s been revoked. She makes the angry petty cheerleaders I knew in the 7th grade seem like…er, the Governor of Alaska.

Krauthammer’s 9th point: The current level of spending is irresponsible and outrageous. We are spending trillions of dollars we don’t have. This could lead to hyperinflation, depression or worse. No country has ever spent themselves into prosperity. The media is giving Obama, Reid and Pelosi a pass because they love their agenda. But eventually the bill will come due and people will realize the huge bailouts didn’t work, nor will the stimulus package. These were trillion-dollar payoffs to Obama’s allies, unions and the Congress to placate the left, so he can get support for #4 above.

MZ: It’s true. We need to undo all of Bush’s policies, right now. I can’t think of any that will prove sustainable. Obama has ended the war in Iraq (one down) and hopefully he will end the war in Afghanistan soon (a 2nd coming soon). He cannot end the Bush tax cuts, no Child Left Behind, or the unfunded Medicare D drug supplemental program (not with a developmentally disabled Congress and Grover named-after-a-Muppet Norquist). The Dems would need both houses and the presidency to overturn the Bush laws. I generally prefer a split government, but if the center of gravity for the right remains where it is, as Horace Greely once said, GO LEFT, YOUNG MAN! I still want a viable third choice more than anything, but like that’s going to happen as both sides grow more radical.

Krauthammer’s 10th point: election was over in mid-September when Lehman brothers failed, fear and panic swept in, we had an unpopular President, and the war was grinding on indefinitely without a clear outcome. The people are in pain and the mantra of change caused people to act emotionally. Any Dem would have won this election; it was surprising it was as close as it was.

MZ: I agree. Meanwhile, I predicted we would not see another two term president for a long time as we swing wildly back and forth between R and D (and that’s not Research or Development) as our economy quakes. Or, as Fox News calls it, “the foundations of the economy are sound.” The Republicans should win in 2012, but they may prove way too incompetent for most independents. But I’m not holding my breath. Actually I am; they gutted a lot of EPA regs in my town. Cough.

Krauthammer’s 11th point: In 2012, if the unemployment rate is over 10%, Republicans will be swept back into power. If it’s under 8%, the Dems continue to roll. If it’s between 8-10%, it will be a dogfight. It will all be about the economy. I hope this gets you really thinking about what’s happening in Washington and Congress. There is a left-wing revolution going on, according to Krauthammer, and he encourages us to keep the faith and join the loyal resistance. The work will be hard but we’re right on most issues and can reclaim our country before it’s far too late.

MZ: I am happily a member of the loyal opposition. There really are differences between how D and R approach fixing our country. But what’s most appalling to me is how little the Right understands about how we got here. Pre our collapse, every graph known to man showed the Dems as the better budget balancers, yet the Right is running on fiscal conservatism? Still? In 2012? Their attempt at a third party, the Tea Party, is rightly a laughingstock. They have become the lackeys to the Hannitys of the world, so good riddance. There’s very little of the Conservative vision worth fighting for at this point. If this is the best you have, if this is your “intellectual” champion…umm, you just got beat by a comic spoof news blogger. You know, the usual.

Okay I didn’t ace the whole ‘no name calling thing.’ Let’s call it a work in progress.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.