Cheyenne, WY—The nation’s affluent are calling for calm today as elevators whisked the country’s disgustingly rich an estimated twelve kilometers beneath the Earth’s surface. The evacuation, which has taken place over the last 24-hours, has many of those left behind asking the question, “WTF?”

From an obviously green-screened version of the Rose Garden, President Obama assured the American people all is well. “NASA is simply conducting a test, kind of like that of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this were a real emergency, well, maybe you folks should participate too? The solar flare resulting from our sun’s gravitational shift, which scientists estimate will happen sometime tomorrow, poses no threat to life on this planet. Especially if you’re an insect or a strain of bacteria, umm, but you should probably, umm, be in a basement, or deep in a nearby cave—at least duck or something.”

Barraged with questions from reporters, Obama later added, “Look, if there was any real danger do you think I would just leave my Vice President to fry? Uh…how about giving me some more time to think of something more convincing?”