Geographical Answers to Global Problems

Geographical Answers to Global Problems
The Crank

Okay, here goes. You want world peace? Well, I think I may have some answers. I want you to look at the globe, not as a mixture of political boundaries, but a world of people sharing a pastime, or addiction, or religion. Frankly, all of this melting pot stuff is a waste of perfectly good marijuana.

First, let’s take North America. Everything from the Arctic south to Wyoming, the Dakotas, Minnesota, and Idaho will be renamed Hockey, with its Capital designated as Center Iceslip. Let’s put it near where southern Saskatchewan is now, which maybe we could rename Zambonia.

The west coast from Oregon to Mid-California to be renamed Moonbeam, with its Capital being the city of I’mOKyerOK, located near and abouts where California wine country is now. They’re going to need to drink that wine as they go broke.

Colorado would become Little Moonbeam. They have lots of beer, so they should be OK for a time as well.

Meanwhile, Southern California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas to be renamed Dry Heat, with its new Capital city of Fartas de Cervesas Y Burrito. Let’s build it in the desert somewhere west of Phoenix. The more open the space the better.

Nevada and Utah would be called Mormon with its Capital of Sixwives constructed somewhere near Provo.

All the central states would become Farmville with its Capital John Deer City.

Louisiana should be sacrificed back to Lake Pontchartrain and the Gulf. We should probably set up a memorial of a floating Superdome covered in shit with a sign saying, “We will rebuild at some point, promise.”

Mississippi would become Refineri with its Capital of Swetty.

The Great Lakes states would become Nojobshere with its new capital Onthedole.

Now the east coast, from New England down to D.C., would become Joisey, with its Capital of Whatsadatsmell? I think it’s fitting that Joisey should be the first and only city in the world to end in a question mark. Let’s put their capital in the heart of the Meadowlands. This way the foundation of this new metropolis will be truly built upon the people…at least the people the mob whacked.

D.C. south to the border with Florida and west to the Mississippi would become Jesus Christ, with its Capital of Nascarville in central Kentucky.

Central Florida would become New Israel, with its Capital of Bluehair near Orlando.

Southern Florida would become New Rico. No Capital, no one cares. Maybe we should go with Noonecares if anyone mentions it.

Why do the Israelis have to live completely surrounded by people who want them all dead? We need to give them Mexico. First, the Israeli Armed forces will make short work of the drug lords. After 40-years of Islam, those cartels would be like a video game to them. The kind you play all night until you beat. Then, think of what the Jews would do with two long beautiful coastlines! Can you say world’s largest resort? I knew ya could. Being surrounded by enemies and still being one of the world’s most successful economies, think of what they would do without all that pressure and defense spending? Its Capital would be Tel-Amex.

Central and South America would become Brazintina, for those two countries run everything there now anyway. The Capital of Univision would be located in the rainforests of central Brazil…a true “green city”.

The current countries of Norway, Sweden, Finland and Denmark would be called Coldfish, with its new Capital of Stiffnipple located in an ice cave somewhere in Sweden.

England, Ireland, and Scotland would become Crappweather, with its Capital of Crappfood located in Northern Indigestion.

The Netherlands and Belgium would become Potnbeer, with its capital of Shitfaced.

Austria, Germany and France would be the country of Incharge, as—let’s face it—they are.

Italy, Sardinia, Sicily and Greece would become Buuurp, with its capital of Depilatory.

Russia would become Putin, with its capital of Putin located in central Putingrad. The countries that used to make up the Eastern bloc will be designated as Not Putin, with their collective capital named Keilbasa Farts, near an around where Sarajevo is now.

All of Africa would become Country of the Month, with its Capital moving monthly to wherever that one tribal group is currently holding power. South Africa, being the exception, would become Don’tSailHere.

India would become Helpdesk, Pakistan would become 7-11, China and Southeast Asia would all be WedocheapMart.

The Mideast would all be Sandistan.

And let’s give Indonesia to Japan (Japanesia?). They could use the space and will likely run it better. They might even build some great resorts there as well…in between giant waves.

Which only leaves Australia. Best leave it be…as the world goes broke no one will be able to fly there anyway.

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