North Pole—Elves and occupiers clashed outside of that jolly old “one percenter’s” workshop this week. The incident ended in 27 arrests and at least a dozen injuries. Santa Claus is denying the authorization to use force. Many are claiming St. Nick ordered his toy making elves to forcibly remove the dozens of protestors by force from his frosty front lawn yesterday.
“It’s a load of Yule time shit,” said Santa. “They were doing things to the Christmas trees and defecating in my ornate sleighs. They were provoking the elves, they were provoking me! They kept calling me Dumbledore, the pagan little shits.”
Fox News “journalists” believe this is more evidence of a War on Christmas.
“They’re ramping up their efforts to destroy America, destroy tradition, destroy God!” said Bill O’Rielly. “I don’t really believe that, but I got paid more to say that sentence than you make in a year, losers.”