Kuala Lumpur, MY—After the disappearance of flight MH370 and the shooting down of flight MH17 the Malaysian government has remained under increased pressure to keep their passengers safe. They now believe they can cure their recent air travel woes by building an advanced rail system that will one day span the globe.

This is not the first attempt at a fix, however. The Malaysian government is denying allegations that hundreds of construction workers drowned during their ill-fated “Bus Off the Island” initiative. Malaysia’s Giant Transportation Catapult System (GTCS) was also an abysmal failure that cost the lives of all sixteen of its ‘volunteers’.

The Malaysian government held out the most hope for their first plan, which consisted of a giant pneumatic tube system. When the Prime Minister of Malaysia, Najib Razak, was asked about the lost funding for this particular project, he said, “One large person is still wedged in the prototype. Did you ever see Willy Wonka? Remember that Augustus Gloop scene? Yeah, well this was much worse.”

The ski lift transport system lost funding almost immediately after calculations suggested the first tower would need to be twice the size of the Empire State Building for it to allow passengers to be ‘ski lifted’ safely to the closest point on Asia’s mainland.

The Malaysian government is asking for international help for this new rail system. “We really need some global cooperation on this one,” said Prime Minister Razak. “Otherwise it’s back to the drawing board, which for us means an actual drawing board, bales of pot, and endless Wile E. Coyote/Roadrunner cartoons. Oh, and we should probably change the name of our capital, because it sounds a bit too much like Oompa Loompa, which could trigger too many bad memories. I can’t even watch YouTube anymore without evoking some disturbing imagery.”