Collapsing Shack, AZ—This week, quiet unexpectedly, Alex Bone called for a press conference at the Discord Tower and almost four people showed up, well, if you count Ballz and Zano. Once they had settled into Mr. Winslow’s bean bag bunny chairs, Boneman cleared his throat and addressed the historic assemblage:
“I am announcing today that I have been infected with an Alien Chest-buster,” said Bone. “As you may know, these beings typically gnaw their way through a person’s chest in a matter of hours. I, however, have survived with this one living inside me for over three weeks now!”
He raised a finger, as if to emphasize a point, but then quickly lowered it and raised a bottle of IPA instead. “How have I done this, you ask? How have I succeeded where others have just burst apart by now? (Burp.) It’s simple, it involves eating the right combination of beer and hamburgers. I’ve found that as long as I drink about forty beers a day and eat ten hamburgers an hour, the little guy seems content enough. In fact, I have named him Snookie-wookie.”
He stopped to rub his tummy, slammed down a hamburger in three bites, and then chugged two beers. His eyes then misted over a little. “The rest of you men have no idea what it’s like to feel a life growing inside of you. It is a magical… oh, we have a question. Yes, Zano.”
“Is this why all the communal beer has gone missing this week?”
Bone mumbled something, before saying, “Next question.”
When no one asked him anything, he looked at Ballz and said, “You had a question?”
“No I didn’t.”
“No, I think you did.”
After an awkward pause, Ballz said, “Don’t the aliens grow pretty quickly after they burst out of their victims? Why hasn’t this one just grown through you?”
“A very good question… I have no idea. Maybe it loves its new mommy.”
“And my beer,” added Zano.
After Bone kept his audience from wandering away with a promise of sharing his cheeseburger stash, he said, “So I’m sure all of you are wondering what’s next from here.”
“Were you?” Zano asked Ballz.
Bone hurried down another hamburger and then chugged an IPA, before he held up a glossy covered book that read An Alien Inside: Skip the Beer and Stand Clear.
“We are going to have a book signing tour!” said Bone. “After the talk show circuit I plan to… Hey, come back, I’m not done yet. Maybe you guys could try to dress up like Aliens when I open my new hamburger chain. Can you guys sing Ragtime Gal, by chance? I’m calling it Buster Burgers and each burger comes with a side of a highly corrosive acid for a dipping sauce. Get it? And you should see what we’re using instead of fries. Guys… guys? Oh, can someone run down to Diablo Burger and the Pay-n-Take? It’s kind of an emergency.