Vatican City—In a stunning turn of events, the Vatican announced today that Pope Francis did not pass his background check. The Vatican Human Resources department was quick to blame the error on an intern. Unable to name a new Pope, the Vatican has decided to close its doors forever. An American retail company, Target Corporation, is finalizing a deal to purchase the Vatican directly from God. According to the locum Pope, Cardinal Pompous IV, a series of sales will soon be in place to purchase all kinds of Catholic memorabilia. The Vatican, in conjunction with a new e-commerce business known as PayPope, will allow direct online sales for all of your papal crapal needs.
Pompous IV told reporters, “There are full warehouses that must go! We have Pope remains beatified and mummified for your protection. You could get Peter. You could get Paul. So come on down. Hell, some of us even think we’re going to find Jesus himself in one of these crates! Won’t that be a surprise?”
The faithful are conflicted about recent events. One woman from Monterey said, “I really don’t want to see the utter collapse of the Catholic Church, but if the Ark of the Covenant shows up on eBay, well, holy shit is right!”
In the coming days so many historic answers may be revealed, as the most sacred regalia is only broken out for the annual Blood of Christ party. “Yeah, we don’t know what most of this shit is,” said P-Dog IV. “We only know it’s really old and makes for a great dress up day.”