Jersey River Safer After Vinyl Chloride Train Wreck?

Jersey River Safer After Vinyl Chloride Train Wreck?

Paulsboro, NJ—A train full of vinyl chloride derailed on Friday outside the industrial town of Paulsboro. This freight train fell off a bridge and into a river, but the incident has at least one hazmat team wondering was this really such a bad thing?

Hazmat’s site coordinator, Kent Furrows, said, “I‘m not saying I’d want a picnic lunch here any time soon, but this corrosive material burned through a lot of the dead bodies and toxic debris that was already here. It’s kind of like sticking some Drano down the sink. In essence, it got rid of a lot of industrial hair balls.”

The hazmat team is not alone. Using a level of spin not seen since last night’s Hannity’s America, the National Transportation Safety Board is hailing this environmental catastrophe as a major environmental victory.

Board chairman, Willy Spiller, said, “Before this incident, there were all kinds of dangerous things sticking out of the surface of that river. Now it’s burned away, finally making yachting, boating, canoeing, and even water skiing possible. But I wouldn’t water ski just yet, folks, unless you’re willing to wear a gas mask and coat the bottom of your water skis with at least three millimeters of epoxy phenolic. Yeah, a good three millimeters.”

Ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough to water ski in industrial waste.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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