There are No Heroes: Pox on Both Yer Budgets!

Mick Zano

Obama’s budget marks the first time our Prez has shown less insight than his political adversaries.  No easy trick.  His new budget reduction attempt is a joke.  I don’t believe the theory this is all part of Obama’s master plan.  This is Obama’s completely detached ‘let them eat cake’ moment.  Wait! Michelle won’t let us eat cake anymore;  damn.

Capitalism is sick. It’s devouring itself like an Ouroboro on meth.  Our country is unsustainable in its present form, but no one wants to hear that.  But sorry heartland peeps, there’s no global law guaranteeing American dominance and supremacy.  Hard decisions needed to be made to shift our economy toward a more eco friendly and sustainable one…back in the 70s!  Epic fail.  We chose the road we always choose, avoid the pain, and roll those dice one more time. Oh, and that strategy worked so well for me in Vegas last week.

 Yes, both D and R are responsible. Granted, when R is in charge, the slide is always more pronounced—always has been.  Speaking of the neococoon watch, how did they manage to turn Reagan into Lincoln in their spare time?  He’s the model Republicans want to follow?  The guy who created so much debt in eight years, he had to break Republican rule number one and raise taxes?  Reaganomics didn’t even work for Reagan, morons!  Yeah…I want some more of that magic.  You know why you won’t hear that on Fox News?  …If you really need me to answer that, it’s already too late.  Oh, and I have two words for you Sean Hannity: Iran Contra.  Oh, that’s right the truth doesn’t matter.  So, I guess Reagan is Lincoln and W. will be the next Kennedy. 

The Right clings to this delusional vision of some idyllic version of capitalism, set somewhere in the 50’s—a time when real America thrived.  You know, when we didn’t know how devastating our actions were to other cultures and to our own environment.  ¯Monday, Tuesday, Happy Days!  Wednesday, Thursday, Cap & Trade!¯  Sorry, had to work that in.  Did I ‘jump the shark’ with that one? 

If history is any judge, Democrats are not prepared to make the necessary budget cuts and Republicans are not likely to make the right ones.  I think at this point, there’s little hope of avoiding the toppling of the American dollar and the hyperinflation to follow.  I only gave my father financial advice twice in my life, the first was six months before the collapse in ‘08, and the second was last week.  The same message both times: international commodities, dude.  

I wonder if Obama knows what’s going to happen.  I got the sense when he came into office he had no idea the depth of this crisis.  Few people did.  Everyone suffers from what psychologists call the normalcy bias.  It can’t happen here, right?  This is America.  Besides, nonsensical positive feedback is inexplicably tied to a recovering stock market.  There’s nothing to see here, folks, so buy shit!

 Nothing is healthy about our system and little is healthy about our way of life.  I was talking to a family member after the ‘08 financial meltdown and, she said, “Stock markets go down, stock markets go back up.”  As it turned out, she was right…er, sort of.  But the bigger picture is a continued decline, and soon all the ponzi schemes in the world aren’t going to be able to put Humpty DOWty back together again.

I’ve always wanted the Right to pull their heads out of their arses, that has always been my message, but they just keep focusing on the shiny ball.  It’s a collective ADHD that impacts their credibility and their inability to focus on what really matters.  The world ends while they’re rambling on about so-called ground zero mosques, ACORN, and birth certificates—all the while our way of life slips into the abyss. If you are a Foxeteer, you might remember ACORN as the 3rd biggest story of our time for many months.  I will use the evils of math here: if you were right about the dangers of ACORN, it was .00000001% of our problem, but, as it turns out, most of that .00000001% was bullshit. 

There’s a dysfunctional cycle on the right where the grassroots gets rightly fed up with various government abuses, the nation’s shaky fiscal footing, and other matters of substance… but then rather than supporting and embracing champions who are forcefully fighting those things, they get distracted by Andrew Breitbart style circus acts. As a result, the USA is at less risk than ever before of pimps being assisted by left-leaning nonprofits. What an achievement!

—Andrew Sullivan, the Daily Dish

Back to the budget: Republicans will take an axe to the budget, hurting real people and costing us more money in the long run.  Watch Arizona to see how well that strategy works out.  Meanwhile, Democrats will not use any axe, they will instead use a toothpick, even in the face of the dollar’s complete and utter collapse.   

AZ’s governor, Jan Brewer, has said things I can’t believe any adult would say.  Ok, I’m kidding myself, she’s a typical Republican.

She said, “Our emergency rooms will handle the overflow as we dismantle our behavioral health system,” or some such.

Anyone who works at a hospital, or has ever been to a hospital, would beg to differ.  The mentally ill she’s condemning will cost us more clogging up our hospitals and our jails.  Increased security measures cost money too, dipshit.  Yep, it’s hard to believe, but a surgeon’s time and a police officer’s time costs more than a case manager’s.   Shocking, I know…math again, terrible stuff.

Meanwhile, Obama said he had to make some “deep cuts” for his budget proposal.  Give me a break.   He won’t touch Medicaid/Medicare but he would love to get his hands on the defense budget, and the other side is the exact opposite.  You can find budget cuts everywhere—in every corner of Americana.  I will gladly review the money we can save on Medicare—yes, I’m funded by that.  Only cutting discretionary spending isn’t the answer, but gutting vital services won’t be the answer either. 

There are no heroes!  Pox on both your budgets! Can’t we find some Goldilocks who’s just right?  Speaking of which, Goldi…ahh, don’t email my yahoo account anymore. My wife checks that. 

Anyone ever heard of a third way? You know, the ones I’ve been suggesting on the Discord regularly?  Time to join the Transcosmetic Party, folks.  The rest of you are sounding increasingly ridiculous—no easy feat, considering where you started.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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