Geneva, SW—LHC, the world’s largest high-energy particle accelerator, is back in the news again. After bombarding two particles at near light speeds earlier today, a flaming eye-like arc formed across one of the accelerator’s key detectors.
“This is completely unlike anything we’ve seen to date,” said senior research scientist, Lucas Taylor. “I think it’s safe to say our detector has, in fact, detected something.”
According to eyewitnesses, what really shocked everyone was when the fiery eye exclaimed, “You cannot hide! I see you. There is no life in the void, only death.”
“When quantum life attempts to communicate, it’s pretty momentous stuff,” said Taylor. “The voice seemed to come from inside our own heads which was, perhaps, the most fascinating part of the experience.”
When questioned about any potential danger to mankind, Taylor replied, “What can I say? Sometimes you go looking for the ‘God Particle’ and shit happens.”
Some are calling the apparition the Higgs-Sauron Particle, in honor of the dark sorcerer from J.R.R. Tolkien’s classic Lord of the Rings. Meanwhile, LHC administrators are maintaining that the atypical and combative personality changes running rampant through their ranks is “merely a coincidence.”
“Most of the workers have abandoned their duties in the last few hours and seem content to clearing the trees surrounding the facility,” said Taylor. “It’s apparently all for some insidious weapons-making-purpose.”
But Taylor reassured the media that LHC administrators are “looking into that.”