The Case for Obama’s Impeachment

Mick Zano

Newt Gingrich is threatening Obama with impeachment due to the imminent constitutional crisis regarding his stance on gay marriage.  So let me get this straight (pardon the pun), secret police, secret prisons, torture, and lying the country into war are not impeachable offenses, but letting Bert and Ernie stop living a lie is?  The sooner Fox News merges with The Onion the sooner the world will start making sense to me. 

Hey Newt, why don’t you conduct an investigation on yourself instead?  You’ll find paranoia, greed, selfishness, and a host of other real American values.  Sometimes I think Newt is at the heart of the Neococoon, yet other times and on other issues he seems almost reasonable.  He waivers between slightly wrong and Oh my god, this fucker’s nuts.  Either he is placating the bat-shit base, or he embraces the stupid himself; neither are forgivable positions.  I rarely resort to name calling but in this case, why not?  He’s a creep in both his personal and his political life. And he’s a creep with a good shot at the presidency, but only because the field is soooo lousy.

So what is the Republicans case for impeachment?  Republicans feel strongly Obama should be removed from office.  What are they basing this on?  Is avoiding a depression an impeachable offense? Even the Crank has mentioned impeachment, so let’s Google the bitch.  One website posts the three recent arguments for impeachment.  The first we already covered, Bert and Ernie’s forbidden love.  OK, not interested, not impeachable, so moveon.org.   

The second “argument” comes from radio talk show host Tammy Bruce.  I could only read the first sentence from this riveting story.  Sorry, I have acid reflux.

Though I was unable to complete the first sentence in its entirety, I was captivated for the first six to ten words.  Here’s the first sentence as covered by Ben Johnson:

A nationally syndicated radio talk show host has called for Barack Obama to be impeached if he is secretly pushing Egypt to become an Islamist country ruled by the Muslim Brotherhood.

Listen, Tammy, I know behavioral health professionals who can diagnose and medicate your condition. 

Here’s the third and final “argument” from impeachObamaCampaign.com:

Since this third argument is so compelling, I covered the whole piece and added my own comments for fun:

Impeachment Dude: What if we elect a Republican House and Senate and they don’t challenge Barack Obama on every front?

Zano: So you’re challenging our recovery on every front…great.

Impeachment Dude: I see victory within reach…

Zano: …and hopefully Thorazine.

Impeachment Dude: I know the freshmen class of Republican House and Senate members in January will be freedom fighters!

Zano: Sounds a little Bert & Ernie to me.

Impeachment Dude: But what of the Republican leftovers?

Zano: Goulash?

Impeachment Dude: Will they stand in the way of a real revolution in Congress next year?

Zano:  Yes, a real revolution by real Americans, or as Mel Brooks calls them “the people of the land, the common clay of the new west…you know, morons.”

Impeachment Dude: (shortened for sanity’s sake) Dear Mr. Issa: This isn’t about “process.” It’s about the Constitution. It’s not just about Obama “misusing” authority. It’s about Obama exceeding his constitutional authority. Is there any doubt about that?

Zano: Examples would be swell.

Impeachment Dude: I heard this nonsense back during the Clinton administration, too. 

Zano: You mean, the guy who balanced the budget?

Impeachment Dude: But the abuse of power exercised by Obama makes the Clinton administration look like the George Washington administration by comparison.

Zano: In your deranged world view, sir, how did you manage to skip over Bush and Cheney’s expansion of executive power?  Two words: Fox News.

Impeachment Dude: The future of our nation is at stake. The survival of our nation is at stake.

Zano: Yep, now if only you knew why.

Impeachment Dude: This is no time for playing paddy-cake with Obama.

Zano: True, but is hopscotch out of the question?  All childhood games should be on the table!  Well, with the exception of hopscotch, which should be on the sidewalk.

Impeachment Dude: That’s not what the anticipated electoral revolution of 2010 is about.

Zano: Yeah, it’s about misinformation.

Impeachment Dude: It’s about time Republicans in Congress start thinking about the Constitution and returning the rule of law to America.

Zano: …an example is coming, I can feel it.

Impeachment Dude: We’re at a crossroads, and there is no margin for error.

Zano: No gun metaphor?  What’s wrong, little camper?  Besides, 2003 was the crossroads; we’re now more like in the traffic circle. Look, kids, Big Ben, Parliament!

Impeachment Dude: Obama must be challenged on every front – even if we don’t win every battle. It’s time to go on offense.

Zano: Battle, now that’s more like it.

Impeachment Dude: We won’t get a second chance this time.

Zano: Talk to your parole officer. I’m sure the community will embrace you if you pay your dues to society.

Impeachment Dude: Obama should be impeached!

Read the entire compelling argument without my commentary here.

Whew.  They build quite a case for impeachment.  Actually, as usual, they build quite a case for psychotropic medication.  Remember, these are the same people who support the Patriot Act because they’re so patriotic.   Much of this, I am guessing, is about the healthcare debate.  Oh, the horror.  How dare someone address the out of control healthcare costs for our 37th ranked system.  I have a rather lengthy list of actual impeachable offenses for our last president—ones based on something we independent thinkers like to call “reality.”

In their defense, I really do think there are huge abuses going on but let’s not forget, for the most part, these were created by the last administration.  Just a hint of understanding on how we got here would be swell.  To summarize, if your “revolution” involves electing anyone else named Bush, you’ve missed ALL of the main points of the last decade. 

You know what scares me more than Obama?  Forty-percent of our society suffering from a diagnosable collective delusional disorder.  There are real reasons for a revolution, but how can we sift through this nonsense and get to matters of substance when the current debate has been hijacked by morons?  At this point, we can’t. 

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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