Holidays are excessive and outlandish, like liberal budgets. But if you don’t get off work for them, what the hell’s the point? I did a web search on popular U.S. Holidays (I can do these now…with help). I found a list of fifty-one of them. So let me get this straight, there are more holidays than states in the union? Which makes me wonder, what would we do on South Dakota Day? Anyway, I have broken down our holiday cheer into a few arbitrary and quite meaningless categories.
Category 1 (the must keeps):
These entail the big ones, which most people agree are the major leaguers (aka, we get off work, eat and drink to excess). Namely, Christmas, Easter, Labor Day, Independence Day, Memorial Day and Thanksgiving. Although Christmas and Easter are holidays of religious significance, I don’t hold that against them. You see, I don’t do churches, cults, synagogues, or any place of worship, but they still meet my main criteria. For each of these I typically get off work and then I either eat or drink to excess, sometimes both.
The only sucky thing about them is putting together that one gift on that box that reads “Easy to Assemble”, especially after eating and drinking to excess on Christmas Eve. And you can’t even start until after the kids are asleep. Labor Day and Memorial Day also meet the key Holiday criteria (KHC), extra crispy, although they do involve a cook out with the family, so hopefully you like them. This section isn’t broke, so we’re not going to fix it.
Category 2 (Questionable):
These entail only two major offenders, Halloween and Valentine’s Day. You don’t get off work for either of these, so they by no means meet the Must Keep criteria. However, they both have a few advantages. Halloween is a costume and candy day. There is nothing better than tricking treating for shots and beers as your children are raking in the candy. (Note of interest to adults, Jack Daniels does not mix well with Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Thanks for teaching us that important lesson at the Discord’s last X-mas, Mr. Winslow). Halloween also get some kudos because there’s always that one hot single mom running around in the French Maid outfit. Of course, most of the points for this holiday can go down the shitter when Zano shows up at your house in the aforementioned French Maid outfit.
Now Valentine’s Day is OK, except for having to do all that I Love you crap leading up to the sex. This is that dreaded day, fellas, when foreplay is required. But, it is nice to know you are almost guaranteed a piece at least one day a year. So there’s actually a payoff for taking all those damn little blue pills.
(Note of interest: When you are sexually ignored on Valentine’s Day your marriage may be heading into serious Alex Trebek country).
Category 3 (why bother?):
The rest of the Holidays all fit into this Why Bother category, particular ones of note are Ground Hog Day, Columbus Day, and Presidents Day. Ground Hog Day is just a joke. I think we should have one last Ground Dog day this coming year, where we watch that Bill Murray movie a few times and then get all jihad on that furry bastard’s ass. Wouldn’t it be great seeing Punxsutawney Phil sustaining a blast that would launch him into space? It’s a good lesson on the effectiveness on terrorism, not to mention it could inspire NASAs next shuttle program.
Columbus Day is a little old as well. Everyone currently knows the Earth is round and America exists. We also know Columbus wasn’t the first one to find the damn place anyway. Heck, his first clue should have been when he had to tap Leif Ericson on the shoulder so he could have a word with Sacajawea. Besides, if we got rid of Columbus Day would he really care? I don’t think so… he’s dead, and has been so since around 1500. The guy thought he was in India, for Pete’s sake. And his culturally insensitive name has upset countless Native Americans, so why not celebrate his birthday in India instead?
Finally, I propose three more paid Holidays a year, each one dedicated to a different deserving American. How about Dick Clark Day? We might have to work on the name so it doesn’t offend anyone or cause a breach of the peace. The second one should be for Clint Eastwood, a true American hero, at least in the movies. And, most importantly, the last one should be for me, Dave Atsals. I can see it now…a day off work in my honor. We can all wear Cowboy boots with sweat pants and drink cheap beer as we conga-line down the Main Streets of America. Now that’s a Holiday!