For only 14 dollars a month, Criminal Ancestry.com can help you uncover your relatives’ seedy past. Just fill in the form, including the names of all your relatives, and our database immediately connects you with thousands of local and national criminal background checks.  It will find, not only those names listed, but can tap into a surprising amount of distant family members’ shenanigans.  But don’t take our word for it (really, you shouldn’t).  Here’s one important fictional testimonial:

“I really didn’t know what to expect.  I followed the directions on the website and the next day I found out my great-great-grandfather was suspected of four rapes in two European countries.  Who forgot to tell me that at the last reunion?!”

But wait there’s more:  “I found out my own aunt has been selling her Valium,” said one woman.  “I was like ‘holy shit…what a contact!’ No more blowjobs in the subway for me.”

Criminal Ancestry.com is not only good for embarrassing people at family reunions and finding more convenient dealers, there are also important implications for the betterment of humanity.

“I highly recommend this site,” said one gentleman.  “It has really helped me better understand my own urges to kill.  I have gained acceptance of my actions through the perspective of hereditary impulses.  Now I can murder and devour as many people as I want, knowing it’s genetic and God wants me eat human flesh.”