A Letter to Sergio Marchionne: Thoughts of Chrysler’s Future from an American Guido Car Guy (AG/CG)

The Crank

Dear Goomba:

I will start out with a hayadooin & congrats on getting an iconic American car company, complete with freshly minted bailout money, for six yenpesos and a pizza coupon. The last “wap” that “inherited” Chrysler was Lido Iacocca. He did more for Chrysler than any other man before or since. The One Billion dollar bailout he got was probably bigger in terms of what the dollar was worth at the time, but who’s counting?  Really, at this point who is counting? Iacocca paid it back early, driving a fleet of 5th Avenues (dissolving as they went) up to the White House to hand deliver the check. I remember it well. Nothing like seeing a line of newly made American autos, followed closely by a street sweeper sucking the dust and particles created by the near immediate breakdown of that great seventies sheet metal, covered with that wondrous new lead free paint. Mom had one. It would have lasted longer had it been painted with marinara sauce.

I, for one, am very happy to see the Italians coming to the USA. I have had more than enough German overdesigning to last a lifetime. You want proof someone can redesign something so many times it can not possibly work? “I” drive and “Bluetooth capable” ring a bell? Friggin disasters, both. I have also had enough Japanese Quaaludes on wheels. Jeremy Clarkson of the BBC said that whenever he can’t get to sleep, he just looks at a picture of the Camry and he’s straight off. American auto design needs emotion, Italian emotion, and needs it fast! I am getting a stiffy just thinking of a Viper with a body by Pininfarina.  I think the word Viagra is actually in that combo somewhere.

But I digress. Serge, can I call you Serge? Anyway, Serge, listen up. There are only a few things that are worth saving in the lineup you just, well, for lack of a better word, won. Jeep is one. A Wrangler diesel could be the new “country with no navigable fucking roads” car, followed by an American/Italian version of the Range/Land Rover made from the Grand Cherokee where, unlike the British vehicles, the electronics would actually work. Oh, and 500 horsepower plus 1000 lbs of torque equals 10,000 maniacs. The person purchasing such a vehicle would probably want it to speed up or slow down the Earth’s rotation at will (at the very least).

Second order of business would be the 300/Charger/Challenger.  Only what I would like to see is a 300 based Alfa Romeo luxury sport sedan. All the “Cocks” that currently just switched from Beemers to Audis would cream at the crotch. It would have “greasy day trader/skeevy investment banker” written all over it!

But a better interior on the Challenger, please! It’s as interesting as the Morning Crop Report on the RFD channel. For 40k, its interior has GOT to look like something more interesting than Dave Atsals in a speedo.  Oh, and it should FEEL better too. For 40K it should cure not cause hemorrhoids. Ditch the current Charger for a more modern (real Italian) design. Oh, and please put the 2.7 engine to sleep. I can run faster than a 300 with a 2.7.

I can’t wait for the Fiat 500; it’s a real “Mini” killer. Turbo charge the little bastard and call it the GLH, Iacocca’s initials “for goes like hell.” That’s the old Dodge Omni Rabbit killer. But, maybe I’m just splitting hares.

Next up, the Ram. Listen, if you greaseballs want to understand just what makes up an American car guy, spend a week in a new Ram. An interior like a futuristic jet fighter, only one made for short fat pilots. Thirsty-lazy-short-fat pilots. With short little arms. A ride smoother than any pickup ever built. And an exterior design that when viewed in your rear-view mirror says “Get The Fuck Out of My Way”. With beer coolers built in to the truck bed—how fucking cool is that? Now, follow this, its very important: Make a short bed short cab 2wd version with the 6.1 hemi in go-mango orange, Black or Cool Vanilla, with no fucking stripes, no fucking scoops, no fucking ground effects. Just a sweet toned set of pipes. And the beer coolers! Black “vinyl” interior, no carpets, kick ass stereo, 6 spd manual, fat tires with 20” chromes. All for less than 30k. Done. In homage to the Road Runner, call it, ready for this, the RamRunner. I know, and you’re very welcome.  Maybe the horn can go, Mee, Meep, but in more of James Earl Jones kind of way. 

In closing, let me just say throughout American history Chrysler Corp. has always been a leader in design and technology. That was until the Nazis stole it.  They raped the company blind, and left it for dead. I am sincerely hoping that you and your company can revive some of the old that was great, and put to sleep some of the new that ain’t so great. I am rooting for you. If you’re ever in Phoenix, stop by and we’ll have a cannoli and some beer. It’s the Italian/American way!

Yours Unruly

Goomis E. Kyamm

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